Well, I have to start somewhere, so I’ll start with the present. It has been approximately 1.5 months since it happened, the incident that I’m not quite ready to describe.
My wife and I continue to be in regular communication and often spend overlapping time with the kids. For the kids, much continues as normal, the only difference is mommy goes to grandma’s to sleep at night time, and they have a sleepover there with her once or twice a week.
We’ve talked a lot. Many talks involve tears. If I try to discuss anything, even briefly, she will often begin to cry. Sometimes it feels like I’m trying to help a friend through a rough time.
It’s so confusing to be in this position, to have been betrayed by your spouse but you have to continue a relationship with her because you have kids together. There’s no clean break here. She’s stuck in my daily life and the burden of forgiveness rests on my shoulders for the sake of our kids and building a new relationship.
About two weeks ago, we had come close to preparing a separation agreement, but we both had to admit that we are conflicted about our situation. We were about to plan our home sale and splitting up the assets, but I guess the prospect of making these major decisions gave us both cold feet. Instead of outlining an agreement, we ordered take out and watched a movie.
We’re kind of stuck in limbo right now. I don’t think I should or could reconcile and try again with her, but I think I need to continue exploring that possibility before making any permanent decisions. Maybe I’m just delaying things because I can’t yet move on. It’s not like the idea of being single and rediscovering myself and someone to love isn’t enticing. It is, in many ways, but I also feel…
I don’t know. That’s the problem. So here I am in limbo.