I had spent a whole month angry and ready to move on. What ended up stopping me from moving on were the little nagging thoughts and feelings that I was trying to push aside. I decided I needed to listen to my heart then explore those feelings. I needed to examine this feeling of love, maybe potential love for her.
Going through our history, I see the strong foundation we had to grow on. We were friends first, with overlapping interests, complementing personalities, and the ability to share our thoughts without the pursuit of a romantic relationship tainting our interactions.
We were friends and we both miss our friendship. A forgotten friendship, remembered now as we have moved back from our husband/wife status and have begun to deeply discuss our lives without the pressure of making a marriage work.
We’ve had so many deep conversations lately that last night I wanted to take her out to dinner and think about other things. Well, it didn’t take long before our relationship past, present, and future came up. I don’t want every interaction with her to turn into a big discussion about “us” but the conversation goes where it wants to go.
She ended up spending the night. It wasn’t that kind of night. She had expressed a desire to test the waters by spending the night back at home while the kids are away. She was going to sleep in our son’s bed, but I convinced her to stay in bed with me. I didn’t do anything but put my arm around her. It felt good but I also felt heartache.
I think it is possible to work through this but it’s a long, difficult road. A road I’m still not sure I should travel, but it seems I’m on it anyway. I will go with the flow.