I never considered the idea of starting a family, I just knew that I was in love with Carol and I wanted her to be more than my “girlfriend”, so I asked her to be my wife. She moved in with me shortly after.
I had finished another round of school, and got my foot in the door at a company as a web designer. Eventually I convinced them to keep me there full time. I was working hard at getting in shape by running, lifting, and practicing Karate. Things were looking up.
The wedding planning was a big hassle but it eventually came together. I was shocked to see certain family members of ours butting heads over it. It got to the point where my dad had to call my mother (his ex wife), to talk her down about an issue I’ve long since forgotten. Something that made it into my father’s speech at the wedding was that, in my frustration at the whole planning process, I told my father, “Look, I just want to marry this girl.”
Was she ever the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen on that day. Her long, brown hair now in curls, those full lips I couldn’t help but to kiss, her bare shoulders sprinkled with freckles, the white dress hugging those wonderful curves. I only had eyes for her, and that was probably a problem. She needed a man that didn’t view her as perfection. She needed a man that she could worry about losing.
The celebration was over and now she was my wife. I was so proud to call her that. I was getting in better physical shape every day and I had my full time job, but I also had a lot of debt from school and too many stretches without income. My family knew this so they told me to take it slow and don’t start having kids right away. I still hadn’t even thought of having kids. I barely had it together as it was.
Well, not even a year into marriage, she got pregnant. I was freaking out. After the Incident, I spoke to my stepmother on the phone. She said, “Remember the day you told your dad? You said, ‘I don’t know how to be a father,’ but you figured it out. You are a great dad and you’ll carry on. You’ve been through a lot but you always pull through because that’s the kind of person you are.”
Carol was so uncomfortable in her pregnancy but she looked so adorable with that baby bump. A new person, the result of our love for each other, was growing inside her. I bought toys and essentials. I rubbed lotion on her belly and talked to the baby inside. I was preparing as best as I could but also treasuring each moment I could spend with her before my attention would be on our child. I knew it wouldn’t be the same. Carol was my world and that was going to dramatically change very soon.
I can’t seem to compose this entry without stopping to cry every few minutes. It’s just so wonderful and so sad. The things we went through together. The memories. The family we started. Did any of this ever cross her mind when she decided the most toxic person in her life was affair worthy? There we go, back to anger.
You know what? I’m done for today.
Hope you all have a great Monday, I’m going to try to turn mine around by not thinking about this shit anymore.