Diary of a Sad Man

My marriage blew up at the end of May. I started this blog only about 6 weeks ago. So much has happened, so much drastic change, that it feels like it’s been months or even years.

I have to say, starting this blog has been a great decision. It’s put things into perspective and helped me keep my memories and thoughts organized. I’ve read through my own posts dozens of times. Having a written account, especially when the events are fresh in my mind, prevents the memories from getting distorted by time.

I have read my anniversary post half a dozen times already, on top of all the editing and rereading I did to recreate the conversation as accurately as possible. It’s now there for me to reference whenever I need to remember it. There are things about the conversation that I didn’t really begin to notice or understand until I documented it.

I’ve gone through much of our history in my posts already, and writing and rereading these posts have been a huge factor in my change of heart. Much of what I wrote was long forgotten until I started to write. But as I started writing, I began to remember so much more. Then I would talk to Carol about these memories and see if/how she remembered these moments in our history. This helped us begin to understand our initial attraction, how our relationship developed over the years, and where it fell apart.

We learned that we can repair the damage and move in a new direction. I don’t think this would be possible without me blogging and talking with her.

What else has blogging done for me so far? It’s shown me that I can face some pretty terrible moments in my life and let them out in detail. That’s incredibly therapeutic. It’s helped me to become a more open person, more in touch with my feelings, and better at expressing them with myself and others.

Based on my experience, I highly recommend writing about your life. It’s been an incredible journey so far. It would’ve been so helpful if I had done this throughout my health crisis years ago. And to go back and read through it now would be quite amazing. Well, at least I started now.

Some odd things about my blogging: I’m not sure why I chose to censor most of the swear words. I’m writing about marriage and infidelity. This is adult stuff, I’m sure I don’t need to censor the cuss words. But even thinking about the absurdity of it while writing today’s post still couldn’t stop me from doing it. Weird.

I also find myself wanting to get very descriptive with the sexual material and having to restrain myself. It’s funny but I enjoy reading and rereading the small amount of details I end up providing.

Blogging. It’s great. Try it.

5 thoughts on “Diary of a Sad Man

  1. Oh, its incredibly therapeutic! It also helps me put the thoughts down right in front of me. I can look at it, and see it through eyes that aren’t clouded with hurt. Feedback from fellow bloggers is also a plus. I don’t feel alone.

    I also censored, or have warnings when I first started. Now, I don’t. It’s life.

    Just go with it. Your writing is very good and no matter what you’re writing about, sex, fighting, whatever… it’s life and reality.

    Your anniversary entry was interesting. I feel for your wife. She’s got such a battle going on inside. I can feel her struggle through your words.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much. I’m glad you read the anniversary post. Your story was very much on my mind during that conversation, as you can see by my mentions of overwriting memories and trickle truth.
      If you can provide any insight about my wife’s internal struggle, I’d be so grateful. I think I kind of understand but I feel I’m missing something.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Without knowing her, I can only guess.

    But as a female, some of what you have written of her is familiar.

    So I’ll just write from my POV.

    Becoming a mother changed everything. I felt like I had no voice anymore, that I didn’t know myself or who I was. I had my three all within 4 years.

    It changed my body, it didn’t recognize myself in the mirror. I went from 125, to not 125. 😊

    I was needed and attention was demanded of me by them. I did it with no regret, but it was stressful. I took care of the house, the meals, the kids, the cleaning, the shopping. I also worked. It was exhausting.

    Now, he would want to have sex. I hated how my body changed, so I thought he would too. I also viewed it as one more person I had to take care of, and it frustrated me. It became a chore. (God, I hate saying that now, as now I see it is nothing like that, and it brings us together.). But then? Yes. Just one more person to take care of.

    He would get frustrated. I would get angry that he was frustrated and push him away. I felt very pressured to have sex.

    We didn’t know how to separate being parents and being husband and wife. We didn’t know how to put us first. Some may disagree with that statement, but I feel putting us first made us stronger for them.

    Your wife? I don’t know. But that douchbag she was with? She didn’t feel as though she owed him anything. He was nothing. There was no promises made to him.

    You had the worst possible scenario happen. You saw them. That is beyond comprehension, and the shame she must feel now she probably doesn’t even know what to do with.

    They say we project what is inside us to onto those around us. She has got to be so ashamed. Possibly disgusted with her choices. She may have trouble looking back at her reflection in the mirror.

    She knows you saw. She knows. She probably can’t figure out why you still want her.

    This is very new for you guys. She hasn’t figured out yet why she even went down that road. You are processing still, just as she is.

    I have no idea what I’m talking about, I can only guess. But I hurt for both of you.

    Have you talked about counseling?

    Liked by 1 person

  3. A lot of that makes sense and I’ve thought and talked about things like becoming parents and having difficulty separating that from being lovers.

    She is having difficulty coping with what she did. And with me seeing her and reacting. There’s been a lot of examination of how she got to this point and though she’s not innocent by any means, he had a goal in mind in becoming her friend. And achieved it. I haven’t gone too deep into their relationship in my posts yet but it was one messed up friendship.

    Carol is seeing a counsellor. We will be doing the same as a couple.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Yes, its good to put our thoughts into words, when we review back our previous writing, we can see how far we change because of our experience. Our own oife journal is truly incredible tale to tell. My therapists said so and I began to agree.

    Liked by 1 person

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