Who Am I?

Things have been going well lately but it’s not easy. Often when I’m away from Carol, my mind wanders and my anger towards her starts to rise. Sometimes as she lies sleeping next to me, I look at her with love, other times it’s resentment I feel. Certain moments in movies or books, or comments make feel uncomfortable. When it’s close to or on the subject of cheating, it feels so awkward. Then it turns to anger.

Carol mentioned that, during her evening out with her friends, they talked about their sex lives in their youth. Her other friends didn’t even know how many sexual partners they had while Carol was the “good girl.” Yes, she knows how many partners she had. As a person who never found promiscuity to be an admirable trait, I know how many partners I had too, and until recently Carol and I had the same number. In our marriage, she made it one more than me. Disgusting.

Her attitude has changed quite a bit and I believe her love for me and desire to make it work is for real. But I also think, for how long? She was devoted to me before but then, in time, she decided she wasn’t. She decided to betray her marriage, beginning with failing to protect it.

Do people really learn from their mistakes? How many just repeat their destructive behaviours? Is my heart really in this anyway? Do I even care anymore if the marriage lasts?

All these thoughts buzz around in my mind and I don’t have any answers. No answers about her, no answers about myself. I feel like I lost something inside and without it, I no longer care as much about anything anymore.

Maybe staying married is the easy route, the financially secure route, the easier parenting route, so I only choose to stay for those reasons. Maybe I really do love her and want her. Maybe I can’t imagine a life without her. I don’t know. I don’t know myself anymore.

I didn’t like the person I was becoming while I was desperately holding on to my marriage. I kind of like this new person that’s coming out. Will my marriage encourage this new me, or will it start to push him back down? I don’t want to be the man I was. The new me is more confident but how can I be confident while staying married to her after what she did?

I had a dream last night. It was a house party that was winding down. I was lying on a table. A girl I fooled around with many years ago lay next to me and we chatted about life. She got closer and put her leg on me and I continued chatting. She moved in closer until our lips nearly met, and I kept talking about life, like I was unaware of what she wanted. She moved in nearly the rest of the way and I finally turned my head away and said, “Hey, I’m back with my wife. I’m working on my marriage.”

I got up and saw Carol passed out on a nearby couch. She did not see me do the right thing. I was irritated. I picked her up and she groggily asked me what was going on and I told her women were coming on to me so I’m getting us out of here.

And so I did the right thing. I chose her and I protected us. And she was so completely unaware of how close I had come, how easily I could have allowed it to happen, if I chose to.

What if I’m not as concerned about protecting the marriage anymore? What if I relaxed my personal rules and developed friendships with members of the opposite sex? What if I was angry with her and someone else was there at just the wrong moment? Would I turn my head away?

I don’t know. And that scares me.

3 thoughts on “Who Am I?

  1. I’m sorry you’re going through this. As much as she needs to do the right things to trust for you, remember that you also need to do certain things to build a great marriage for her. It can be easy to let your hurt and anger stop you from doing certain things that she finds attractive.

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    1. Well, with her on the side of wanting the build a great marriage, there is hope. It just feels like it cost me my soul. I feel like I don’t care enough anymore, about anything, really.

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  2. “Maybe staying married is the easy route”

    I truly don’t think so. We have to be some strong mf’ers to get through this. I don’t don’t think we are ever the same as we were before. We aren’t the same, our marriages aren’t the same.

    Sometimes I’m OK with that. I kinda like who I am now. Sometimes it pisses me off to no end. As much as I like the new me, and even this new marriage, I didn’t have a say or choice in it.

    Liked by 1 person

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