Being a Man

I am a man who was betrayed and in that way, I feel like I suffer alone. Sure, I’ve come to know many women who suffered the ultimate betrayal in marriage and I feel the support, but it is different for me. While the women support each other and talk about men being controlled by their nether regions, here I am, a man betrayed by his wife. What’s her excuse?

Through Twitter, I found an account of a man who is dealing with his wife’s infidelity. It took a few months but I finally found another man in the same situation. I took a look at his blog and found it is from a Christian point of view. That could make it tough to relate as I’m not turning to God in this difficult time. It’s only us and human nature at play here, not some divine plan.

Other than that recent discovery, it’s all women cheated on by their men. A betrayal that hurts no less than my own experience, but a betrayal that people can attribute to men and their sexual nature. Maybe that is an excuse that eases the pain for some, that it’s not uncommon, it’s the familiar tale.

I think it’s bullshit. Monogamy is easy, even for a man, as it requires you to not do something. It’s easy for me to not put my dick in someone else, because to not do so requires no effort on my part. Doing so requires the effort of developing the relationship with the other and finding the time, place, and opportunity for sex, then putting in the effort of following through. Again, it’s much easier not to do that.

Still, men and their dicks, right? Fine, if it makes you sleep better at night. But it’s not men. It’s him. Maybe he even used that excuse in his mind to pursue the affair, hey, I’m a man, it’s in my nature. But it’s bullshit. For every man who just can’t help himself, there’s a man who can easily keep his sex drive under control. It starts with not creating opportunity.

Here I am with a woman. A woman who became cold to the idea of sex. A woman who, just a few months before her affair, told me, “I’m older now and I just don’t have the sex drive I used to have.” This woman went out of her way to create the opportunity and follow through with it. I don’t care if he was the pursuer. She went with it. She allowed the opportunity to be presented as she knew the risks but outright refused to protect the marriage. She did something she allegedly wasn’t all that interested in doing anymore, something that has deep and far reaching consequences.

I wasn’t getting sexual satisfaction. I had a partner who felt like she was just putting in work, and it showed on her face and demeanour to the point where I couldn’t get it up for her anymore. I was not getting my needs met, yet still, I didn’t cheat. She did. My wife cheated. She did the thing that people believe men typically do. It’s humiliating and emasculating. It wasn’t even some dude who came in and swept her off her feet. It was a complete shitbag who did the worst to her. She knew this and refused to acknowledge it for reasons I’ll never understand.

All these women suffering from their men’s behaviours, then there’s me, one of the few men speaking of their wives’ affairs. These women who are loyal and would never do what their husbands did to them, why couldn’t I have found one of them instead of her? I’m a man who believes in loyalty and detests cheating (Carol did too, but obviously changed her mind at some point). Would it have really been so damn difficult to find a woman who believes that, and continues to after being married for a while? There’s tons of you out there who do, apparently. And I’m sure many of you wish you were with a guy like me instead. How different life would be if we just found another like us?

I’m sorry things are the way they are. If you have left or are planning on leaving your cheating spouse, maybe your best bet for a new relationship is another betrayed spouse. Someone who understands your pain and would never dare to inflict such deep, terrible suffering on someone else.

I hope you all find the love you deserve.

7 thoughts on “Being a Man

  1. Your right there seems to be more women here blogging about it than men.
    Have you tried Facebook? There are many infidelity groups on there and they have quite a few men in them.
    There is one man on here that I know of – divine doorknobs – but he is in the process of divorcing.
    I love everything you said…I wish I would have married a faithful man but I thought I did sigh!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. If you go to SurvivingInfidelity you will find many men in your shoes. Chump Lady blog is geared toward those who have been cheated on and are divorcing or are divorced. Both might be interesting to you

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You are rare, my friend. I found your blog searching under the “infidelity” term. I find myself searching it once or twice a week. I was so sad to find you, as I am anyone in our situation… but happy too. You are a voice that I am sure many men are looking for.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I don’t attribute my husband’s affair as him being ruled by his dick – In fact, far from it. We had a breakdown of our marriage – both our faults. So bad that we were both lonely and feeling unappreciated. Conveniently, the skank was going through a divorce and had a thing for my husband for 25 years. They confided in each other and developed a friendship. She gave him the attention he wasn’t getting here. It got physical.

    Be clear, I am not making excuses for him. But I also felt the same way. As a matter of fact an old flame came back into my life and if he tried anything, I may have jumped at the chance. We’ll never know because he didn’t try and I didn’t pursue him.

    I maintain my husband should have just said we should separate or divorce, I would have agreed. He never should have cheated. I also know that had we not been in the place we were, he never would have done it.

    The Catch-22 is that if he hadn’t cheated, we’d probably be divorced. If he said he wanted a divorce, I would have said fine. And seeing where we are now, I know we would have both regretted it…

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Obviously I hate that you are going through this, but I’m glad to have met you. I should probably follow more blogs, but I definitely felt outnumbered for a while. I’m more active on Instagram and it seems like half the posts I see are about how men are dirtbags and sometimes it hurts. I’m rooting for you, buddy. You gives schmucks like me hope.

    Liked by 2 people

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