Stuck

Last week, Carol had her personal session with the marriage counsellor. This week, I will have mine. I want to get it over with and get back to us both seeing her. Until then, I’m kind of stuck.

Yesterday, when Carol gave me a kiss as she left for work, she asked, “What’s wrong?”

You, that’s what’s wrong. “Nothing.”

What can I say? I’m angry and I don’t want to spend my days expressing my anger at her. So I say “nothing”, or “bad day at work”, or “I think I’m coming down with a cold”. I don’t want to get into it with her, I want to hash this shit out in counselling.

Last night, I asked her if she’s okay. “You been acting irritable with me.” Just like before.

“I’m fine,” she says, “You don’t need to keep asking.”

Fine? Just like before, right? You were fine, and lying and cheating. Fine.

We’re back to zero interest in any sexual contact and the sights and sounds of mild irritation at every interaction with me. Just like before.

But not quite, if I’m to look at it honestly.

She does ask if I’m okay. She snuggles with me if I don’t snuggle with her first. But I go to her a lot.

I’m backing away a bit. I need to give her more opportunities to be first. To kiss first, to hug first, to say, “I love you,” first.

So that’s where I’m at today. Waiting for appointments, keeping my anger hidden away, and trying not to hold on too tightly to the woman I almost lost, in hopes that she’ll want to hold onto me.

Note for my readers:

There are more things I want to cover in this blog. I’ve had some thoughts that I think I want to try to get creative in expressing them. In spite of the personal, painful subject matter, I found myself enjoying getting a little creative (though still restrained) with The Incident Revisited. I’d like to try to go a little further and experimental. This is just a heads up: if you see things getting strange here, it’s not me losing my mind, it’s me trying some creative writing, so don’t be concerned.

I love you all,

Jack

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