4 Months Later, The Emotional Rollercoaster of Infidelity

Here I am, four months later and what a ride it’s been. I don’t recall buying a ticket to this ride but I’m on it, the ride no one ever wants to be on. The emotional rollercoaster of infidelity in marriage.

I was going to do many things. Some things I have not made any progress on as I feel very little interest or joy in my hobbies. I’ve written a verse here, a line there, but haven’t really committed to making music anymore. I just don’t have it in me right now.

I had other ideas about narrating, podcasting, streaming, but I haven’t committed to any of that either and I don’t see myself making any progress on any of these projects until I begin to feel more strongly about life again.

There’s the one thing I followed through on: blogging. It took a bit to get started but now that the ball’s rolling, I’m very motivated to write and write and write. It’s easy to do. Oftentimes, I write at work. I don’t have to make noise to do it, which makes it a whole lot more convenient than songwriting and recording. It’s my creative outlet for the time being. Very few people know about it and the ones that do don’t have any information to lead them to my blog. I don’t write like I’m protected by anonymity though, it’s public and could be found by someone I know at any time. I’ve dreamt of this happening.

When I first started this blog, I began to introduce it as “My journey through divorce due to infidelity.” I was so certain at the time that this was the end of my marriage, but I couldn’t write that. I couldn’t face it yet. I kept it open and described it as, “My journey through the pain of betrayal in marriage, and what comes after.”

And now here I am, with Carol as my wife still, or again.  I “won” her back by being me. A broken, empty, ghost of me, but still me. I yelled at her, expressed my disgust with her, supported her, and held her. The man she betrayed couldn’t stand to see her suffer.

Wow, what a great guy I am.

I’m tired of being self deprecating so I will say yes, I am a good person. I try to do the right thing. I’m fiercely loyal, I’m open and honest, and I don’t do things to inflict suffering on others. I’m not perfect though and I have my own little quirks and traits that may bother other people. I don’t know how to handle conflict. Sometimes I hold on too tightly to the people I love. Sometimes I don’t know when to give people space and sometimes I don’t know how to express when I need space.

Still, I never deserved to be cheated on. My fault in the marriage was not having the perfect answer to Carol’s problems. It’s unfair to put that on me. She refused to talk, she refused counselling, and she insisted on developing an inappropriate relationship with her boss. In between her hurtful words and actions were stretches of time, Months even, where everything was fine and dandy. What could I have done? A lot of things, I’m sure. But I say this with hindsight.

I feel like I’m being held to a higher standard, way higher than her because I’m the one who stayed loyal and held on while she went on to destroy our marriage. It’s like I’m getting scolded for a B grade while she gets a pat on the back for working up to a D. That’s definitely how I felt at counselling, in particular.

Here’s a thought that’s been floating around in my head. If anyone should have gone astray in the marriage, it’s me. It was my needs not being met. She pushed me away, and the counsellor saying that she went outside of the marriage to meet needs she wasn’t getting in the marriage is bullshit. It’s stupid.

We shall continue to explore that in our therapies, I suppose. Again, I don’t believe I’ll ever have satisfactory answers.

I’m still a good person but I’ve been hurt enough that I often wish my conscience, concern, and caring would just all die so I can start causing suffering. And often, I’m glad I am the man I am and all I want is for Carol and the kids to be happy and not suffer.

Sometimes I feel like I’m pulling petals off a flower. I love her, I love her not. I flip flop so much.

This is my life right now, flipping and flopping. The emotional rollercoaster of infidelity.

Carol is such an ill-fitting fake name. Why did I choose it?

9 thoughts on “4 Months Later, The Emotional Rollercoaster of Infidelity

  1. Yes your counselor saying that is complete bullshit. I would get a new counselor.
    I was very fortunate we had good counselors and they were all quick to tell my H this was not my fault before he could say a word.
    I hope you come out of this ok and go on to live a happy wonderful life. It is a long hard journey. I’m 5 years out and still struggle so I don’t have many words of encouragement but many people come through this just fine ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m going to give it one more session with this counsellor. She keeps saying she is judgement free but whenever we address the affair it’s, “it happened for a reason.”

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Well she got that right it did happen for a reason, because your wife has things she needs to work on.
        I just don’t want you to let anyone, not even a counselor blame you for this, it isn’t your fault

        Liked by 1 person

      2. The reason being that I wasn’t meeting her needs so she went elsewhere. At least that’s the impression I got from our session. I will not let anyone tell me that this was my fault in anyway. I may have thought I deserved or asked for what happened to me in the past, but not anymore. I’m done with blaming myself for other people’s actions.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Good! You didn’t deserve this and didn’t do a thing to cause it, even if there was more she needed from you, having an affair isn’t the answer, if you were the worst husband on earth this still isn’t your fault. She should have talked to you, not went out and had an affair. She didn’t have an affair because she wasn’t getting her needs met. Sounds like you got this!

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Thank you so much for your support. I really needed some encouraging words today. I’m going to lay this out to the counsellor and get her to clarify her position. If she really is picking sides or trying to put this on me, we’re leaving and finding new counselling.

        Liked by 1 person

      5. I think you should, blaming the victim isn’t right in any situation, right now you are the victim in this, I hate the word victim, but we are in this. Have you read up on gaslighting, blameshifting, that helped me tremendously to not be run over by anyone, Anynore!
        And boundaries too, I had to set boundaries and not just with my H. But for my H I wrote them all out and made him study it and sign it and he has done really good with it.
        I don’t normally give advice I don’t feel I have anything to offer I’m 5 years out and still in a bad place. I usually don’t have much encouragement either but I try! This pain last a long time, some heal quicker than others, I’m healing slowly, but the pain does soften over time but it’s still with me. I had to go to individual counseling to help myself. I tried several meds, but they didn’t work for me, but they do for most people. Don’t be ashamed to take them if you feel you need to. Hang in there and keep posting get this damn poison out of you!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you for sharing this. I don’t normally comment on posts, and just recently started my own journey. It is not an easy road I am in the middle of it all right now and don’t know where to turn, so to read other posts of similar situations help me to know that it is not just us.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Absolutely. When it happened 4 months ago, all I could do to keep my sanity was read other people’s stories. People who were farther along in their journey showed me that there is life after this trauma. Thanks for reading.

      Liked by 1 person

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