Here I am, four months later and what a ride it’s been. I don’t recall buying a ticket to this ride but I’m on it, the ride no one ever wants to be on. The emotional rollercoaster of infidelity in marriage.
I was going to do many things. Some things I have not made any progress on as I feel very little interest or joy in my hobbies. I’ve written a verse here, a line there, but haven’t really committed to making music anymore. I just don’t have it in me right now.
I had other ideas about narrating, podcasting, streaming, but I haven’t committed to any of that either and I don’t see myself making any progress on any of these projects until I begin to feel more strongly about life again.
There’s the one thing I followed through on: blogging. It took a bit to get started but now that the ball’s rolling, I’m very motivated to write and write and write. It’s easy to do. Oftentimes, I write at work. I don’t have to make noise to do it, which makes it a whole lot more convenient than songwriting and recording. It’s my creative outlet for the time being. Very few people know about it and the ones that do don’t have any information to lead them to my blog. I don’t write like I’m protected by anonymity though, it’s public and could be found by someone I know at any time. I’ve dreamt of this happening.
When I first started this blog, I began to introduce it as “My journey through divorce due to infidelity.” I was so certain at the time that this was the end of my marriage, but I couldn’t write that. I couldn’t face it yet. I kept it open and described it as, “My journey through the pain of betrayal in marriage, and what comes after.”
And now here I am, with Carol as my wife still, or again. I “won” her back by being me. A broken, empty, ghost of me, but still me. I yelled at her, expressed my disgust with her, supported her, and held her. The man she betrayed couldn’t stand to see her suffer.
Wow, what a great guy I am.
I’m tired of being self deprecating so I will say yes, I am a good person. I try to do the right thing. I’m fiercely loyal, I’m open and honest, and I don’t do things to inflict suffering on others. I’m not perfect though and I have my own little quirks and traits that may bother other people. I don’t know how to handle conflict. Sometimes I hold on too tightly to the people I love. Sometimes I don’t know when to give people space and sometimes I don’t know how to express when I need space.
Still, I never deserved to be cheated on. My fault in the marriage was not having the perfect answer to Carol’s problems. It’s unfair to put that on me. She refused to talk, she refused counselling, and she insisted on developing an inappropriate relationship with her boss. In between her hurtful words and actions were stretches of time, Months even, where everything was fine and dandy. What could I have done? A lot of things, I’m sure. But I say this with hindsight.
I feel like I’m being held to a higher standard, way higher than her because I’m the one who stayed loyal and held on while she went on to destroy our marriage. It’s like I’m getting scolded for a B grade while she gets a pat on the back for working up to a D. That’s definitely how I felt at counselling, in particular.
Here’s a thought that’s been floating around in my head. If anyone should have gone astray in the marriage, it’s me. It was my needs not being met. She pushed me away, and the counsellor saying that she went outside of the marriage to meet needs she wasn’t getting in the marriage is bullshit. It’s stupid.
We shall continue to explore that in our therapies, I suppose. Again, I don’t believe I’ll ever have satisfactory answers.
I’m still a good person but I’ve been hurt enough that I often wish my conscience, concern, and caring would just all die so I can start causing suffering. And often, I’m glad I am the man I am and all I want is for Carol and the kids to be happy and not suffer.
Sometimes I feel like I’m pulling petals off a flower. I love her, I love her not. I flip flop so much.
This is my life right now, flipping and flopping. The emotional rollercoaster of infidelity.
Carol is such an ill-fitting fake name. Why did I choose it?