Well, not exactly. I think we believe what we say when we’re saying it but then we change our minds or we feel differently later.
Carol wasn’t lying to me when she said she’d be mine. She believed it at the time. Many times when she seemed fine and happy with me, I think it was genuine. They may have been moments when being with me made her forget about the darkness that was creeping up in her world. Maybe even when she was deep into the darkness, there were moments of light where she felt that spark of love and security with me. Those moments, when one is in them, are real and true.
Last night in bed, I told Carol, “You know what? I think you and I are going to be okay.”
She smiled so lovingly and put her hand on my chest.
I wasn’t lying when I said it. For a brief moment, I felt love and loved and I believed it.
Today, I don’t believe it or feel it, but that still doesn’t make what I said a lie. It just makes me a confused and contradictory human like everyone else. And that’s why relationships are so hard to manage.
It felt good to be hopeful and optimistic and believe fully for that one little segment of time.