This is the subject I dread most when I think of people I know discovering my blog. I’ve talked about it a little bit already and it was quite uncomfortable then. Now I’m going into more detail. Keeping things inside does me no good and you all already know so many personal details already, so I’m going for it.
So, in Let’s Talk About Communication, I talked about our lack of sexual contact and communication on that matter. There has been a little bit between us. In Family Barbecue, I mentioned Carol joining me in the shower, but in spite of us being very naked and enjoying each other’s bodies being in contact, it really wasn’t very sexual. We kissed and put our hands on each other a bit, but nothing below the waist.
The rest of that week was a whole lot of nothing. I’d give Carol a long kiss in bed but she would just turn back to the TV. I wasn’t getting any signs from her but that’s pretty much the way it has been for years.
On Monday night after my Communication post, I decided, as much as it frustrates me that I always have to be the one to bring it up, it was time to talk.
“So, I haven’t really tried to do much with you sexually because I’m not sure how to approach this right now,” I said.
“I don’t know what to do either,” Carol said.
I could see her becoming tensed up and stressed. I told her to relax and remember our weekend getaway. She’s very openly sexual with me when we’ve been drinking but of course she wants to be comfortable without having to have some booze in her first.
It is true that I’ve been having erectile issues with her over the past year or so. This is quite frustrating and embarrassing. We both have performance anxiety over it. Carol blames herself for this and I do believe she is partly to blame due to her attitude toward sex with me over the years. There seemed to be an expectation on her part that I become fully aroused as quickly and easily as I did in my 20’s. She began to get an attitude of wanting to get it over with, which of course was the opposite of arousing to me, which made it worse. As I became more anxious and frustrated, so did she, and the cycle would continue.
The problem has not gotten better since our reconciliation, though at least she came out and explained how she’s been feeling about it for a while. On the several occasions when we’ve gotten sexual, I absolutely would have gone all the way if I could. When it comes close to happening, a sudden wave of over excitement and/or anxiety kills it for me.
Back to our Monday night conversation, Carol said that it feels like a chore to get me off because of how difficult it is now. She wishes it would just “happen naturally”, which I interpret as a spontaneous occurrence, during which we’re suddenly both over our anxieties. To Carol, planning doesn’t work because that just gives her anxiety ahead of time. Unfortunately, spontaneity will be an issue, especially if I need extra help in getting over my anxiety.
Extra help could be the blue pill.
A little backstory on that, while I was out on the evening of my Incident, I spoke to Alex about my performance anxiety. It required a fair amount of alcohol to get me to admit this out loud. He handed me a Viagra and told me he had the same problem in his relationships and little bit of that pill helps.
I kept that pill in my car for a few months before tossing it at Carol one night in the bedroom.
“Here you go. Alex gave me this. In case we want to try that route.”
She looked at it, understood what it was, then placed it in the drawer of the side table next to her side of the bed.
Back again to Monday night, I suggested that I could take a little nibble of that pill.
“Take the whole thing,” she replied.
“Are you crazy? That’s an 100mg dose. I’m not an impotent, old man. 25 is the minimum and I doubt I’d even need that much.”
There’s a very rare side effect of hearing loss and that scares the shit out of me as a musician/song writer. I really don’t want to try anymore than the absolute bare minimum if I have to go that route.
I reminded Carol that my problem was far more psychological than physical. After all, I became fully erect just from kissing her a few weeks ago, there just wasn’t any chance to make use of it. I’ve also, quite proudly I must add, have shown her my morning erections. I’m always physically ready to go when we don’t have the time or privacy to get it on.
My next suggestion was to let me get her off with no expectation of intercourse and maybe one day, I would find myself ready to go and so I would go ahead with it.
“Then I’d feel like I’m making it a chore for you,” she responded.
“It is not, nor will it ever be a chore for me. If I could at least do that, I would feel better about it. You can relax and not worry about getting me for now.”
That’s about all I had to offer on the subject. Option A: take a bit of Viagra and get it on, see if it helps. Option B: I give her pleasure the other ways, in hopes that it will take the pressure off and get us relaxed with each other again.
I prefer option B.
Later that night, I got a little frisky but not much happened.
My sexual desire/frustration had built up quite a bit by the time I got to the point where I was posting then talking about it on Monday. I gotta say, if I didn’t have this blog, I might have still been keeping it inside. Writing about it gave me the motivation to talk about it. It also gave me the ability to step back and examine it so I could approach it in a healthy manner.
Needless to say, I’ve been pretty worked up this week. In the afternoon of Tuesday, Carol sent me a picture on Snapchat, as she usually does when she gets home from work. I started asking for more and Carol, being so very unlike her former self, sent some very revealing pics.
When I got home I told her, “Remember when I got my vasectomy and afterwards I had to provide a sample? I tried to get you to send me some sexy pics but there was no way you were going to do that. I like the new you.”
Again, nothing happened that night but I was very worked up. I found myself physically ready again at an inopportune moment. I considered waking her up (she had recommended this at one point in our discussions), but at that thought, the wave of anxiety went through me and I lost my erection. Fuck.
Continued in This Week in Jack’s Sex Life – Option B