I met my counsellor today. She was nice and friendly but I didn’t really ‘click’ with her. I gave her a rundown of the affair, told her what I’ve gathered so far about Carol’s “reasoning” and all the contradictions that come with that. I talked about my anger, the comments from the marriage counsellor, and the victim blaming I sensed from her.
My counsellor told me I’m understandably angry and that she’d be concerned if I wasn’t. My anger is healthy, considering I have not expressed it poorly or violently. She said my marriage counsellor’s comments that cheating doesn’t happen if all is right in the marriage is completely untrue. She has seen partners stray in otherwise happy marriages. It is not on me to have a perfect marriage and the affair is in no way my fault.
It was only my first session but still, she seemed very agreeable with me and I would like to see my positions challenged a little at least. I know she is hearing it all from my perspective and said, in acknowledgment of this, that she cannot judge my wife’s actions without hearing from her too.
I brought up our declining sex life and our attempts to repair it and the counsellor talked a bit about getting comfortable sexually without intercourse, as I have been attempting already. She said that performance anxiety is a common problem even for people younger than me and it’s definitely something to work on together with my spouse. She also said I can talk to a sex therapist if I’d like and it would be best to talk to a male about it, of course.
The counsellor was very clear that Rick’s behaviour was completely unacceptable and his sexual harassment should be reported. I agree but that’s a decision only Carol can make, in my opinion.
One of the reasons why I didn’t really click with this counsellor is because it seems English is not her first language as there are some differences in the way she phrases things and she made some odd comments. She started the session by telling me I look young for my age and am handsome so what could be the problem with my marriage? I think she didn’t mean it the way it came out and/or there’s some cultural differences at play. There were other things that she said which were a little strange and left me having to pause and think about what she really meant. That’s going to be an issue in my sessions, and it’s going to make communication difficult.
I was also very low energy during the session and struggled to retell my infidelity story for the umpteenth time. I’m sure that would’ve affected my ability to connect with any counsellor today, however.
I decided not to book a follow up for now, citing my busy schedule and money management. I will think about whether to try her again or look for another counsellor.
Tomorrow, Carol and I will see the marriage counsellor again and I don’t know if I’m going to sit back and hear things out or confront her about my grievances.