I had a disappointing weekend. Date night on Saturday, family outing on Sunday. Neither turned out so great.
Date night started with some shopping. I became irritated as Carol and I walked through a mall, trying to find new shoes for me. I tried to keep my anger in check, but some of my “jokes” probably sounded a little too bitter.
We walked past the store where I got my wedding ring resized shortly before the incident. That ring sat on a table for at least a month, before I tossed it away in a drawer.
When we were separated, I asked Carol what she was going to do with her rings.
“Keep them, of course.”
“Why? We’re not married anymore.”
“They still mean something to me.”
“Why would they? You wanted out. I think you should pawn them or just throw them in the fucking garbage. They don’t mean anything. Not anymore.”
A month and a half later, I told her we can put our rings back on.
On Saturday, I noticed hers weren’t on.
“Where are your rings?” I said, irritated.
“In my purse.”
“Will you put them on?”
“I always have to take them off though. I can’t wear them at work, I can’t wear them at volleyball…”
“Well, you’re not at those places now, are you? Put your damn rings on.”
I was beginning to cross the line with my irritated comments. Instead of challenging me on it, she simply put her rings on and commented that she could wear the wedding band at work, just not the engagement ring.
I seemed to lose a lot of my grumpiness when I finally got some new shoes and we left to eat. After, we went to a book store to do some browsing. As we were leaving, a discount book caught both our eyes and we reached out to it at the same time. We laughed at how in sync we are sometimes.
We went to the theatre and watched a movie that was kind of disappointing then we ran into a family member of Carol’s bosses. I should assign names to them. Let’s call them Phil and Janice. So, we ran into a family member of Phil and Janice, which means we ran into a family member of Rick, because reminders of my wife’s betrayal have to be everywhere.
When we got home, Carol made me pick a show or movie to watch. I hate choosing. I found some comedy we’ve watched before. Moments after she snuggled up to me, I felt the signs that she was beginning to drift off.
“Going out already?” I inquired.
Carol nodded and put her hand on my belly.
“Let’s have a shower together tomorrow,” she said.
When I finally decided to try to sleep, Carol buried her face in my chest so hard, I thought she was going to suffocate herself.
Why does she love me now?
I think she already answered this over time. I’ve always been a good husband and father. I would never hurt her. I didn’t deserve what she did. She never wanted to hurt me. She was broken and drowning in misery. After the shock of her life, she began to compare me to him and found there was no comparison to make. I am in the upper end of quality men, he is the lower scum.
But still, why does she love me now? I ask the question over and over and with emphasis on different words each time.
When I finally drifted off to sleep I dreamed of another woman. I did not recognize her. She was very unlike Carol in appearance but just as voluptuous. I could smell and taste her, she was so real. Another woman, filling all my senses with her own uniqueness, and me liking it because it was not like being with Carol but also not liking it for those exact same reasons.
It’s at this point in the dream where I became aware that I was married. Normally, I panic and curse myself for somehow not knowing that I was married. This time, I simply became confused. Carol? I’m married to her? Hm. That’s odd. I thought I was, then wasn’t. Did we get back together then?
I was browsing on my phone in the morning when Carol woke up and looked over at me and smiled. Her tank top had been driving me mad since the night before so I pulled it up out of the way of what it was barely concealing then I put my hand down her pants to give her a proper good morning.
Afterward, my sexual frustration got the best of me and I tried to have sex, but of course the same old anxiety prevented that from happening. We took a shower together where Carol, seeing that I was quite frustrated with the whole experience, lent a helping hand. I was still quite tense at first but eventually I relaxed and let her do her thing.
“Better?” Carol asked.
“Yes, thank you.”
Still, I was embarrassed over the whole situation. I shouldn’t have tried so soon but my desire to get there got the better of me. I hope my actions didn’t cause us to regress.
We went to pick up the kids from Carol’s parents’ house. I don’t think about the bed in the basement bedroom unless it’s mentioned. Of course it got mentioned because one of the kids likes to sleep on that bed when they’re at grandma’s. I’d like to set the fucking thing on fire, perhaps with a human being tied to it, but to the kids it’s just a bed that was moved out of the house and never moved back in for reasons unknown.
Next, we left on a little family trip to an event. I always drive now, whether we’re using my car or Carol’s car. Before, I hated driving her car so I avoided it when possible. It’s one of those new things about me since my soul was destroyed: I always want to be the one behind the wheel.
I did not like the city or the event. It was all so very disappointing. I wanted to find another town to explore afterward but that didn’t work out so we just went home.
Carol and Sarah did some Halloween decorating. As I stood outside admiring their work, I began to feel almost like we were a regular family doing normal family things.
No, that’s just how things appear on the surface. The person I appear to be on the outside, that’s just a decoration too.