What Broken Trust Does to My Mind

It was a busy evening for the both of us but we finally got to see each other at around 9:00pm last night.

Carol 3.0 is a wonderful woman. When I talked about my day, she listened without having her phone in her face. When I asked her about her day, she provided many details, including an attempt at contact by Rick. He had emailed her to ask if she had blocked his number on her phone. She said yes and that she can’t be in contact with him anymore.

“I don’t think I can make it any clearer than that, can I?” She asked.

I took issue with the use of “can’t” as opposed to “won’t” but I decided to leave it for now.

As our discussion slowed, I teased her about the stubble on her legs, as I have done many times before but Carol 3.0’s response was to tell me that she’d get all shaved for me tomorrow. Now, I felt like a jerk for teasing her so I said, “Hey, it’s not like I’m bothered by it and wouldn’t do things with you just because you hadn’t shaved for a few days, I was just teasing.”

She responded by again telling me she would be ready tomorrow and “in the meantime,” she said as she lifted her shirt, “here, look at my boobs.”

Who is this woman and what has she done with Carol? I have vague memories of her being somewhat like this many years ago (Carol 1.0) but I don’t think it was anywhere near this level. She makes me feel like I matter. Like I’m wanted to care for her and to be cared for. That I’m on her team. That my sexuality and desire for her is okay to express with her.

Last night, I told Carol that an order I made online for clothes for our trip was to arrive soon. I finally gave her a few details about a costume that is included in that order. To my surprise, she insisted that when she gets to wearing it, that I take pictures. She is willing to fulfill my sexual fantasies. How cool is that? I had long ago given up on these fantasies, that I was stuck with Carol for life and all she wanted me to do at most was get it over with. I felt like I missed the boat on any adventure in my sex life. Now, it’s really happening with the woman I always wanted.

Carol is a leader. At work, she gives orders to people, solves problems, and makes big decisions. It’s such a contrast to how she is at home. I had to ask her if she is bothered by having me take care of her in the many ways I do, from big financial decisions to helping her when her hair is caught on an article of clothing. She told me that she likes to be cared for like I do to her, that she likes to shut off her “boss” mode when she gets home and be a bit of a mess around me.

I had thought that part of the breakdown of our marriage was because she wanted to be a boss over me. It turns out she doesn’t want that at all. That’s good because I do like to care for her. It feels good to be needed by my partner. And it feels good to know I have her support when I’m in need.

As we snuggled last night, Carol, now knowing how much I like it, rubbed my belly as we drifted off to sleep. She does this frequently. Before it was a one way street. I’d rub her back, shoulders, or feet often while she wouldn’t dare touch me unless I asked several times first. I remember the world’s most half-assed neck and shoulder massage I got from Carol 2.0. I was so sore from who knows what and I practically had to beg her. She, fully believing that I was the source of all of her unhappiness, finally gave in and barely touched me for a few minutes. I believed it was just Carol and her usual moodiness. I remember the massage but not the precise day. I think it might’ve been when she was actively cheating. Nowadays, I’m still in shock from the fact that she gave me a foot rub last week. I thought my feet were absolutely appalling to her. That was one of the many things I had come to believe over the years.

I certainly hope this new Carol is here to stay. She’s everything I’ve ever wanted in a wife. “Everything” includes being the mother of my children. I was there for her through all these years. We did it all together. How could either of us ever want to wipe away all that we’ve been through, all that we shared together? I hope she is finally seeing me as the man I really am and knows that with me, she is truly home.

This morning, I awoke very early to find Carol already gone. I made a note to ask her just how early she had to leave for work, then I tried to go back to sleep. A little while later, I awoke to the sounds of someone entering the bedroom. It was Carol.

“What? Where were you?” I asked.

“I couldn’t get to sleep after that loud noise at around midnight, so I went downstairs and put the TV on.”

“Why couldn’t you get back to sleep? Was something on your mind?”

“Nothing in particular. That sound really startled me though, and afterward I’d start drifting off to sleep and just suddenly snap awake.”

I wasn’t sure what to make of this. In my betrayed spouse’s mind, I immediately went to thinking that something was weighing on her conscience, keeping her awake. Is there more to the story?

It got worse when I checked our phone messages:

“Hello Carol, this ____ from Dr. ____’s office. We can give you a prescription for Valtrex cream. Regarding your questions about circumcision, we can have that done for you at ____ hospital after you deliver and we have some further information for you regarding that. Call us back about the cream and we can have that prescription sent to ____. Thank you.”

What the fuck? That has to be some kind of mistake, right? I thought.

As I drove to work, my mind got busy examining each part of that message.

Valtrex cream. I know what that is. I heard it on a podcast a few years ago. It’s cream for Herpes outbreaks. Carol has Herpes? I’ve been down there a lot lately and I didn’t see anything. Is she hiding her outbreaks from me? How? She’s only put off sexual activities with me by a day lately. Well, maybe she hasn’t had an outbreak yet? Then why is she getting cream? She’s had cold sores about once a year for her whole life, that’s what it is. Then why get the prescription dropped off at a different pharmacy that we don’t go to? To hide it from me? She can hide it from me just by picking it up from our pharmacy when I’m not around.

But she’s pregnant? Is that what she’s hiding? If so, it’s happened recently because I don’t see any signs of pregnancy on Carol, and I know what it looks like when she’s pregnant. Those first signs of a bump are not even there, so how would she know that it’s a boy? She can’t be pregnant, her tubes are tied. Maybe that was a lie. I was there, wasn’t I? Okay, what about circumcision? We didn’t do that with our boy, why is she wanting it done now? Is she going to raise him with Rick? No, it can’t be him. It has to be another guy. No, this is ridiculous. Is it? Maybe everything you ever knew about her was a lie. You’re getting played.

When I got to work, I called the doctor’s office to let them know of their mistake. No one picked up, so I left a message. I then texted Carol to notify her of a “weird message” from our doctor. She responded that I shouldn’t be worried, that they probably just want to talk to me about my test results. I told her that it was actually about her. She responded that they probably want her to go in for an examination she hadn’t had in a long time. Finally, I had to provide the contents of the message. She laughed about it. I still didn’t know what to think.

A few hours later, the secretary for my doctor called me back. She apologized and said the woman she intended to call was also named Carol and that she has the same number as us, but a different area code. Finally, my mind could rest from taking what was clearly not applicable to Carol and trying to twist it so that it was.

Now in a better mood, I messaged Carol, telling her I hoped she wasn’t too tired for a little action tonight. She responded in Snapchat that she was home from work early to have a nap. A few moments later, she sent another snap. It was a waist up nude of her in the bathroom with the caption, “but I’m going to shower first.”

My jaw dropped. She was now sending nudes without me even asking. And it was the best topless pic I’ve ever seen. She looked so sexy, I almost lost my mind. I asked for a picture of something else, which she sent then texted me, “I hope I made your day, now I’m going to have my nap.” I responded by telling her how I would pay her back for her generous gifts and tried to make it through the rest of my work day, though I couldn’t focus on anything but the pictures on my phone.

All is amazing between Carol and I. I really hope things continue down this path. But there’s still a lot of work to do for the both of us. We must not lose sight of that. We must not lose sight of each other.

Even after the call that confirmed that the clearly mistaken message was, in fact, mistaken, a thought came up. What if the secretary told me it was a mistake to cover for Carol? C’mon, stop it.

7 thoughts on “What Broken Trust Does to My Mind

  1. My husband was not a serial cheater and it sounds like your Carol isn’t one either. We had issues and you said you guys had some issues too. Perhaps when there is real love there, an affair shakes not only the cheating spouse up, but also the betrayed spouse. The shock wears off, anger subsides, meaningful conversation takes place and the realization that a divorce is not what either party wants. That’s what happened for me and I realized that I needed to put more effort into the marriage, even though I was the one betrayed.

    Sure the cheating spouse has to show real remorse and real effort, but the problems in the marriage were caused by both. It sounds as though Carol is really trying to make amends as you are working diligently to save the marriage. I would guess she realized she didn’t want to lose you and genuinely wants to make you happy. I can say that things I didn’t want to do for my husband (not just sexually, but just in everyday life) come naturally now, without him even asking. Seeing him happy makes me happy and vice-versa.

    You are both working hard to rebuild your marriage. I’m glad to read about the progress you are making! xoxo Dolly

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you! Tonight I told Carol how wonderful she has been lately and that I hope it lasts. She enjoys the changes in me too. She says it’s been hard work to get to here but it’s good work and she thinks it will last.

      Liked by 1 person

    2. YASSS!!.. my husband is not a serial cheater either. We too, had a break down in our marriage. Maybe not quite as extensive as you and your husband, what I mean by that is we were still sexually active and still communicating efficiently but we had many issues that were just brewing which then, led to his “reasoning” to his affair. I accept that it took both of us to end up where we had. I did have to make some changes as well and like you stated, what were things that I didnt want to do, I now do and I do them naturally and I even like them. … marriages arent perfect. ppl make mistakes but if you two are truly committed, we all know, you can overcome anything. 🙂 Life is good ❤

      Liked by 2 people

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