To Forgive

Carol and I have made a lot of progress together over the months. We’ve had a number of difficult conversations about what she did and each time we discuss it, it seems that I have fewer moments of anger at her.

We’ve been talking, holding, and healing. We’re putting in the work to have a future together, the future we expected to have when we stood in front of our friends and family, exchanging our vows.

I’ve said that I’m working on forgiving but to be honest, I really don’t know what forgiveness of infidelity really looks like.

What does it really mean to forgive?

I know what forgiveness doesn’t look like.

It’s not the big, fake smile that Jennifer wears all the time around Carol. I don’t think even two days had passed since Carol apologized to Jennifer before Jennifer was all smiles and sending cheerful texts to her.

Carol did not forgive Rick for the strain he put on her during her pregnancy. She just pretended it didn’t happen.

Forgetting about it or not addressing the issue is not forgiveness.

“Forgive and forget”. Is that just complete nonsense? Does it actually apply to any situation? Surely it doesn’t here. No one’s going to forget. It’s going to be there in the background forever.

There is no forget. But there is forgiveness.

What does forgiveness mean for you? What does it look like? Have you forgiven your spouse?

8 thoughts on “To Forgive

  1. I feel like there is so much weight on that word. forgiveness.

    I don’t know what it is. Is just accepting what happened and moving forward? I don’t know.

    There is so much pain with infidelity. My husband will often say, “you will never forgive me” and I’m not sure what he wants from me. I don’t want to be forced.

    I think for him, forgiveness is never talking about it again. I’m not there yet.

    I’ve brushed off the word and all that it implies, for about a year now. I will get there for myself, not him. I look forward to whatever that brings. I’m hoping peace.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. In our 4th counselling session, we were told that we were going to work on a forgiveness exercise next time. I was curious about that and hoping we could explore what forgiveness means. Unfortunately, in the next session we did not address it as Carol and I basically took over the next session, not giving the counsellor any time to work on what she had planned. Hopefully next time we can talk about it.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I just read this on forgiveness and it rings true for me: http://betrayedwivesclub.blogspot.com/2018/11/the-thorny-nature-of-forgiveness.html

    I don’t really know what forgiveness of sexual betrayal looks like, but for me I think it’s going to be accepting that it happened and moving forward in a present state. Here is what Websters defines forgiveness as:

    1 : to cease to feel resentment against (an offender) : PARDON
    forgive one’s enemies
    2a : to give up resentment of or claim to requital (see REQUITAL sense 1) for
    forgive an insult
    2b : to grant relief from payment of

    We need to heal from this pain either with or without them, right?

    The forgiveness work I need to do is forgiving myself for not knowing he was capable, for believing his lies despite my gut telling me it didn’t make sense. I need to forgive me betraying my own instincts.

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  3. Forgiveness – eeeeek…. After betrayal or infidelity – that is such a tricky word. I cant say I forgive my husband. What he did was absolutely unforgivable. I am still with him tho and I chose to be every day and am happy to say I am with him. Instead of forgiveness, I have accepted. I accept that he is human. I accept that people make mistakes but that he is sorry and that he doesnt even like what he did. We have talked it out. We have worked it out. So I may not ever forgive him for what he did yet I love him for who he is, specially now 🙂 Good luck with it all. After betrayal – its all complicated :/

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  4. hmmm…could be…good question. Acceptance has allowed me to continue on with my husband – without having to beat him up or myself up over the whole affair anymore so its working for me and anything that could help the situation – I am good with! <- with that said, I am grateful and thankful. Wishing u the best and hope you and urs have a happy turkey day! Dont let the affair troll haunt you on the holidays. Life is too dam short!

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