She’s Gone (Just for a Bit)

When I got home from work yesterday, Carol was in the shower. I waited in the bedroom for her, mainly just to get a peak of the goods before I’d be without her for a few days. She was getting ready for a well-earned break from work.

Carol entered the bedroom wrapped in her towel and sat next to me on the bed.

“So, I thought you should know, Rick came to the store I was at today. He started talking to us, the other manager and me. He was complaining about his life-”

“Carol, you’re naked. Don’t ruin it by talking about him.”

I pushed her down on the bed and began to kiss her. She started chatting about something else so I opened her towel and started touching her naked body while kissing her.

“Are you my woman?” I asked.

“Yes,” she replied, “all of this is yours. For life.”

I moved between her legs and continued kissing and touching. I knew I couldn’t go too far as the kids were downstairs.

I stood up. I looked down at Carol’s naked body, lying that way, the same position I saw her in that day, just on the other side of the bed. It hurt me, but my desire for her was strong.

“I love you so much,” she said. She sat up and wrapped her arms around me and put her head on my belly.

It was a symbolic moment. Her naked, holding onto me as I stood over her, clothed. It was like the ultimate expression of vulnerability and her complete comfort in showing it to me. That she knew, through the trauma, who I really am and that is someone that she can give herself to, fully and completely, with no fear that her vulnerability will be exploited by me.

I hope she really does believe this because it’s the truth. The absolute truth.

She got dressed and we talked a bit about her day at work and her counselling session.

Rick had walked up to Carol and another manager and started complaining about his life, talking about his mental illnesses and medications. Carol walked away.

We don’t think Rick actually knows between right and wrong. He likely believes that he and Carol will become friends again and no amount of explanation or no contact messages will do any good. Carol doesn’t think he deserves anything from her, not even her anger, just no words, whatsoever.

It seems receiving a salary is giving Rick even less incentive to do, well anything, so hopefully the problem will resolve itself when both his parents finally realize that paying a lazy loser to do nothing only encourages a lazy loser to do more of nothing. In the meantime, his wife Jennifer continues putting in more time to assist Carol, which certainly doesn’t help their marriage any. Lazy loser can’t get his shit together so his wife that he cheated on has to pick up the slack. Like I said, there’s no comparison to be made here. I am man, he is slime.

Carol is going away for a few days for shopping with her mother and sister. She told her counsellor that I’ve been a little weird about it. I assured Carol that much of my, “I’m going to miss you” talk is just me being silly but also since we spend so much time together now and always snuggle together at night, it is a little sad, but no, I will not fall apart without her.

On the subject of Carol talking to her counsellor about me, I asked what happened in her session on the day she decided she was going stay home with me for good. She told me that before, she convinced herself that she wasn’t where she wanted to be in life. Now she had realized that what she had was good and what she really wanted all along. She likes to have me take care of her and be her support. It’s what feels right to her.

We talked about how Carol needs to remember that it’s okay to help people, but not at the expense of her wellbeing. She now knows that side of her can be exploited and though Rick certainly isn’t a genius with a master plan, he did find an opportunity in Carol’s willingness to listen and sympathize. Carol’s counsellor compared his behaviour with her to his drug addictions. I’m not sure what to make of that.

Carol knows now more than ever that there are manipulative people out there who are not what they appear to be. She knows that my motives with her have always been to love her, support her, and grow old with her. This is obvious. I’m not trying to pull her away from good people, I’m not trying to get in her pants, I’m trying to be her partner for life. She sees that now.

We both talked about how it now seems much more likely that we will grow old together. I hope this is true. It feels true. However, I expressed how the more hopeful I feel, the more I fear losing her. When things are going great and I’m feeling the love, I don’t want to lose that, and so I worry. I must have balance.

It was a good, productive conversation that went on at various times throughout the evening.

I don’t really have a point to this post other than to write it down to review later.

One thought on “She’s Gone (Just for a Bit)

  1. I was once told that when things are going wrong we have control over them to a degree because we can do things to make them better. But when things are going right we don’t actually have any control over them, they are already good! This made sense to me all those years ago, and I thought I would share it with you because it may be something to consider with regards to worrying when things are going well. It’s good to hear that you’re both able to talk so openly Jack, that is a massive thing when it comes to moving forward successfully.

    Liked by 1 person

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