I Went There Again

I went home again during work. I was kind of hoping to catch her there before she went to pick up Sarah. I didn’t really think she’d be up to no good, but it crossed my mind. I wanted her to be there so it would be something different again. Maybe she’d be in the shower and I’d join her.

But the house was empty. Still, I felt a jolt of fear as I tried the lock. Of course it was locked. I went in and heard the ticking clock. There was no need to check the bedroom. Instead, I sat on the stairs. I sat on these stairs in my work clothes on that day too, calling people, needing to talk to anyone I cared about.

I texted her. Told her I was home and hoping to see her before I went back to work. She said she was busy catching up with everything after our vacation and wouldn’t be there for another hour. She said she’ll see me at dinner time.

I felt like I was going to cry.

I hate this house and I hate your job, I said to myself.

I left.

I want to touch her, to remember that I love her, to remember why I’m still doing this.

I feel trapped again. Trapped by new uncertainties about my health. The appointment is in January. I can’t let health issues, potential or real, control me.

The man who stopped caring about that stuff, I need to be like him again. But it’s a tough line to balance. I had stopped caring about my health issues because I stopped caring about everything. I can’t have that.

Balance. I can do this.

2 thoughts on “I Went There Again

  1. You can Jack, you can do this. Remember the only moment is now, you could be worrying about January and when you have the appointment it is okay, or this xould be your last day on earth and you are worrying about a day that will never happen. I am not being morose when I say that, but I remind myself of that sentiment when things are worrying me. What will be will be Jack and worrying about them won’t change it. Stay strong, breathe and this Christmas make new memories that you can think of next time you put that key in the lock.

    Liked by 1 person

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