December 2018 – Christmas

The family got home from vacation and now we had one week of work and school to deal with before the Christmas holidays. It was a busy week that included some final shopping for me but I also had a massage and a hypnotherapy session in there to make sure I was taking care of myself because who comes first? That’s right, me.

If I don’t care for myself first, I cannot properly care for my loved ones.

Build it all on a strong foundation.

So, I got through my work week, getting massaged, doing hypnotherapy, and being very gentle with my stuffy nose.

My nose would begin to clear up, then I’d have a couple of violent sneezes and I’d be back to square one. Eventually, I just stopped stressing about it, except for the occasional “I’ve had it with this!” moment, usually triggered by something else.

Christmas came around and Carol gave me a special gift. It was collage of photos and items from our vacations. She is normally not into crafting at all, so it was extra special coming from her. There was a quote in the collage, “The secret to having it all is knowing you already do.” This quote, chosen by my wife, in a collage put together by her? Who is this woman again? I’m so not used to this, but I like it.

There was a lot of family to visit at Christmas. Her moms family, her dad’s family, my mom’s family, my dad’s family, my stepmom’s family. Last year, I was incredibly sick and missed virtually all family get togethers except for the one at home. This year, I saw everyone.

I repeated the tale of the painful start to our vacation at least half a dozen times, and reminded many family members that I wasn’t around last Christmas due to influenza.

Carol would say, “I made him shovel the driveway on Christmas day. I didn’t know how sick he was until I had to take him to the hospital. Then we found out just how bad it was and I felt so horrible for making him shovel. Poor guy!”

I have a hard time believing she felt bad for me last Christmas. She was an absolute cunt to me that whole month, I doubt having influenza softened her heart about me.

Yes, it was a much better Christmas this time but did my heart and ego ever have a clash of opinions, making for a wild ride on that infidelity rollercoaster.

“They all know, Jack. They all know and they’re laughing at you behind your back,” said Joe.

“No they’re not. Maybe a few are, but what does it matter? It’s my choice and I have my reasons. Other people don’t have to understand.”

“Look, Jack. You are what other people think of you. That’s all you are. In the end, you get remembered for what you did, not who you were inside. And what people see is a chump who let his old lady sleep around.”

“I know that’s not true, and that’s what matters.”

“C’mon, kick her to the curb. Show her, and them, who’s boss. You’re sick. You may be really sick. Go out with some dignity, man. Kick her ass out then cut Rick into pieces, slowly, bit by bit. Keep him alive for as long as you can as you take off a little chunk here and a little-”

“I’m not listening to you. If my days are numbered, I want to live them in peace, not in anger. All you’ve ever brought me was pain. Anytime I’ve listened to you, I’ve sat in anger, wasting my time and health. Anytime I’ve done what you said, I’ve suffered with remorse and fear of retaliation. Go away.”

Joe kept on my case throughout Christmas but I was really happy to be with my family and see all my extended family. It was extra special to me to see Carol’s family. And it was extra special for Carol to see my family. She said they were all really nice to her.

“That’s because they love you and want to see you happy too, Carol. You’re family,” I said.

Joe wouldn’t give it a rest until my New Year’s Eve therapist appointment took the wind out of his sails a bit, but before then, after Christmas when I was hanging around the house not doing much while Carol had a few work days, the anger really peaked. By the time she came home from work, I was so incredibly agitated by my thoughts and having nothing to do. Carol didn’t know that a lot of it was anger at her, she just thought I was bored and out of my routine so she decided to set up a family outing.

Normally, my anger subsides when I see Carol in person, but during the drive when we all went out, I was fuming. The anger was boiling over. I begin to think that Carol and I being too busy to spend some time alone was a big part of the problem.

3 thoughts on “December 2018 – Christmas

    1. Joe is the dark side of me, my ego, my anger. I decided to give him a name for my blog, to make it interesting. Doing so has actually helped me become more aware of my counterproductive thoughts coming from ego as opposed to the truth in my heart.

      Liked by 1 person

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