December 2018 – Doctor Visit

The next interesting moment was seeing the doctor two days before I was to go on vacation.

I had been run absolutely ragged at work and was getting close to having a breakdown. Then, after being told last year that one of my specialists doesn’t need to see me anymore, I got a call to do some tests and follow up with him. I was really worried by this sudden need for me to follow up with this particular specialist again, especially since the tests he ordered didn’t have to do with the area he specializes in.

I considered canceling the appointment. I didn’t want to hear any bad news just before vacation, but the appointment was booked, so I figured I’d just get it over it. I thought it mustn’t be too bad if they didn’t say anything about it for a whole year.

Firstly, my blood pressure readings during my examination and my follow up appointment were high. Then the specialist told me that my heart is weak so he booked me to see a cardiologist the next week. Of course, I had vacation the next week so my appointment had to be rebooked.

I broke down to Carol that night and she assured me that she’s here for me now, it won’t be like before, and that I’m so good with managing my health issues, I’ll be okay and we’ll figure this out together.

That night, a got a head cold which was the icing on the cake. My sinuses were killing me. Now I was certain to go on vacation sick, with high blood pressure, and with some unknown heart issue weighing on my mind.

I was livid. I blamed my boss for me being sick and I blamed Carol for breaking my heart so badly, my actual heart muscle was failing me. Then I decided I didn’t want to live like that anymore, dwelling on the past or worrying about the future. Whether the news ends being good or bad, I’m wasting my life by spending the time in between worrying and raging.

It was almost vacation time. It was time to put all the garbage aside and start living. I wrote Not Going to Live Like This Anymore.

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