New Year’s – Party Time

When I got home after my therapy appointment, I sat down with Carol to talk about all that happened.

“I’m still angry a lot of the time. Have you noticed?” I asked her.

“No, but I understand. I feel like throwing up a lot. It’ll just hit me out of nowhere,” Carol replied.

I told her about my breakdown with the therapist. How I’ve kept in inside too long. That I’m always so casual, talking about my health and chuckling about it with other people but on the inside, I’m so worn down and overwhelmed by it.

I told her that I said I hoped for a quick death.

“That’s understandable though. No one wants to have a life of prolonged suffering. But you’re doing really well, you’re managing yourself so well and you’re doing much better than you were before,” she said.

“True, and I think whatever it is with my heart, I’ll be able to manage it just like I do with the rest of it. Life will go on. I’m just the worst kind of person to have to deal with this, to have major anxiety issues to begin with and to keep having these scary health issues to worry about. If I wasn’t such an anxious person, this would be a whole lot easier to handle.”

Carol talked about her mental issues and that it feels like no one cares because there’s nothing physical that they can point at. I reminded her that chronic illnesses like mine are often ignored as I appear healthy on the outside. Carol also opened up about her anxieties, things I didn’t realize impacted her so much.

I felt relieved now that I had a bit of meltdown over my health issues. I felt less anger after admitting to Carol that I’m still quite angry. It felt better that Carol shared some of her feelings with me.

In the early evening, I dropped her off at the hall where the party would be held so she could help set up, then I went over to her parents house to hang out with them, Doreen and her husband before we all went out to the party.

When we got there, Carol was working at the door and notified us that she was already drunk. She was back together with her old crew of three other women. They used to hang out with each other all the time in high school and beyond, but began to lose touch as they began having children. The most boisterous friend of Carol’s was always a lot to handle. I decided to just join in on the silliness.

I didn’t know a whole lot of people there but I was able to float between two groups: my in laws at one end of the room, and Carol and her friends working at the door. I drank beers, brought people beers, and even had beers stolen right out of my hands. I got drunk, but I paid careful attention to my body. When it said, “stop, it’s time for some chips and water,” I listened and obeyed.

Songs from the ’90’s played and I moved and sang along to the songs I hated as a miserable teenager. Doreen and I, arms around each other, sang along to the Spice Girls with Carol and her friends. Doreen, my oldest friend of the bunch and my sister in law. Carol, my wife of 12 years. Carol’s friends, who took me many years to warm up to, I now fully accepted them as they were and happily joined in with their drunken antics.

Just before midnight, we were all on the dance floor, Carol and I in each other’s arms. At midnight we kissed and embraced. Carol took many selfies of us and sent them to her other friends who were not there, wishing them a happy new year. She even did a bit of grinding on me on the dance floor.

All of these things so were strange to experience after so many years of Carol seeming to not give a shit about us. And there I was back then, trying to accept the neglect as normal in such a long term relationship. Now admittedly, I’ve had some attitude adjustments as well. This New Year’s, I was there with the attitude to have fun and accept everyone as they are. In the past, I would’ve just sat at a table and waited for it to be over, figuring if anyone cared, they’d come see me.

When we got home, Carol just wanted to sleep. I teased her, telling her last time she got drunk, she was more freaky. It was okay because I was ready to sleep too.

Then next day, we had a shower together but we were too tired to be playful. We did a lot of napping and movie watching that day.

I looked back at our night. It was a drunken night to remember. I had fun and did nothing that I was embarrassed of. No, not even being the only man singing Spice Girls with a group of ladies. It was fun!

This year, I want to do some building and tinkering with electronics. Carol’s been obsessing over buying new furniture and making our house look nicer.

While she was showing me a few items she wanted to purchase, I said, “If we’re going to be buying all this shit, we better be staying married.”

She giggled and kissed me.

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