The Lies.

“Maybe I oughta find a woman and bring her here. A nice, beautiful woman, not a loser like him, and bring her to this bed, lay her down, and just give it to her right in front of you.”

“I wouldn’t blame you. It’s what I deserve,” Carol replied.

“I’ve always said, with my family history, with you pushing me away, not being sexual or even affectionate, if anyone should’ve been cheating, it should’ve been me.”

“And I wouldn’t blame you. I pushed you away. I did this,” she said.

“Maybe I already did.”

“I know you’d never because you’re not like that.”

“I thought the same of you. So, how can you be so sure? Huh? Maybe, unlike you, I was smart about it. I kept it out of our house. I used a burner phone. And for years, I’ve been getting action on the side while you were none the wiser.”

“I would deserve it.”

“But I already did it. And with more than one woman.”

“That would be okay.”

“For Christ’s sake, Carol. I just wanted you to feel the sting, just have a taste of what it feels like to be so completely betrayed. But I can’t convince you, you’re so certain and trusting of me. That’s how I felt about you!

We work through it and try to get past it and move on, but now I find out you’re a fucking liar! Why not just come clean? You know I’m not stupid. You know I’m going to sit there and question everything that happened and plot it on timelines and see how it adds up. You know we have to have hard conversations and I’m going to ask the same questions different ways. You really want to be trying to keep lies straight while being grilled by me through this process? Why lie?”

“I didn’t think giving all the details would help you. I didn’t want to hurt you more. I hate remembering what happened and you saw the worst of it already. You actually saw it. Why would you want to know every detail?”

“To understand. For you to be honest. To lay it all out so we can just get past it. To know what it is that I’m to forgive you for. You know all the reasons. But you lied. You’re a liar. My trust in you is zero again. We’re back at square one. Now, you have to let it all out right now. Everything. So help me if I have to go through this again. I can’t survive doing this again. I can’t. You give me everything. Now.”

“I can’t remember every little detail,” Carol cried, “I can’t even figure out how it got this far, or why. It’s just so messed up. I’m so disgusted with myself and I feel sick all the time. I hate thinking about it. I hate him! I just want to never think about it again.”

“Well, you best start remembering and trying to explain as best as you can. We would’ve been 5 months past this if you’d have just told me everything then.”

She continued to lie. I continued to interrogate. I became so confident in picking up her cues, I’d question her, look deep into her eyes and let the silence hang in the air as long as needed. I knew the answers by her expressions. At first, I gave the answer out loud for her. Eventually, she started promptly answering, seeing there was no escape.

There were a few things she was adamant about. She seemed to be telling the truth but I called her a liar anyway. I made her answer again and again, until I was satisfied. I never let on that I believed her, I just moved on.

Now I know there is nothing special between us in our marriage anymore. It was all shared with him.

“I don’t think I want to touch you anymore,” I said.

“Okay,” she said in tears.

We went back to how it happened. She said she still didn’t know. It was all a haze. That she was trying to figure that out with her counsellor. That she felt so used and manipulated because she knows he is such a toxic person.

I took all my learnings about predatory behaviour and grooming and provided some examples of what a man like that would say.

“Oh my God, yes! That’s what he said. He talked just like that! Oh… oh I think I’m going to throw up.”

She only dry-heaved before getting control of herself. The conversation continued but next thing I knew, she was holding onto a pillow and rocking back and forth. This made something break through my anger.

“Jesus Christ, Carol. Do you know what you look like?”

“Yes, and I’m embarrassed!” She cried.

“Don’t be embarrassed. Not in front of me. It’s okay, you’re safe now. You’re out of it.”

“But he’s still there! I have to see him at work and I hate him! Anytime he’s around, I tell everyone I have to go. I hate that he just stands there thinking he did nothing wrong. He did this to me! He ruined my fucking life then just went home to his fucked up wife who I think is stupid to be with him. But that was me! I was as stupid as her. I can’t be there anymore. I have to get out!”

“You’re out of it now. It’s just one more step until he’s completely out of the picture. But your safe now. You’re out of it.”

At some point past 3:00am, we tried to get some sleep. I sat up and tried to calm myself with some deep breaths. How was this happening? How was this nightmare still happening? Was I just desperate to believe she was a victim? I now had to cope with the new knowledge that this had been going on for at least 4 years. 4 years of me living in the dark.

Carol got up and went to another room, saying, “I’m sorry, I’ll go. I’m so, so sorry.”

I lay down again. My chest began to hurt. I had to sit up. I couldn’t get a good breath. I began to panic. I got up and went to Carol.

“My chest hurts. I can’t breathe. My chest hurts.”

“Lay down,” she said.

“I can’t. I need to see my little girl. She needs me.”

“She’s okay. She’s fine.”

“My chest hurts.”

“I know, honey. You’re having a panic attack. You haven’t had one in a long time. It’s been a rough day. Come here.”

She held me in her arms and soothed me as the panic attack ran its course.

“See? You’re okay. It was just a panic attack. I’m here for you. I’m going to be a better wife and take care of you whenever you’re in need.”

Next we desperately held each other, hugging and touching and kissing. We kept in physical contact for the rest of the morning as we tried to sleep.

When we finally got up, I invited Carol to the shower. We stripped down and continued holding and kissing like there was no tomorrow.

It ended in simultaneous orgasms. A first in our relationship. The break from all the sadness and heartache was welcome. We regretted that we never had make up sex before.

We held each other close all weekend.

At 5:00am this morning, Carol woke up to see me browsing on my phone.

“What are you doing?” She asked.

“Working on the timeline,” I said.

As Carol was heading out the door for work I asked, “Am I going to discover something else?”

She responded by telling me when, in her opinion, the relationship was inappropriate, and when it crossed the line.

I’ll find out the truth, one way or the other.

Happy fucking New Year.

13 thoughts on “The Lies.

    1. She stuck to her original story as best she could but wilted under the pressure. I didn’t want to get into details because I’m just exhausted by this but I had discovered a piece of evidence that made her story of the timeline fall apart.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Dammit, I’m so sorry to hear this. New truths make us go over and re-think every single answer to every single question again and again. It also makes us go back to that moment and try and reconnect every dot again.

        How are you doing with all of this Jack, they new discovery? How is this affecting your health?

        I’ve been where you are and still very well could be again. You’re so right in that they don’t want to traumatize us further, to which I respond that they don’t get to think about what is good for us – they didn’t in the past and don’t get to now. Their only job is to tell the truth.

        Unfortunately, I don’t know that you (or I) will ever find out each and every single detail, but the ones she is lying about must be confessed if that is what you’re asking for.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I’ve gone from having to deal with two sexual encounters in May to at least 4 years of fucking. I don’t even believe this is my life anymore. I’m in the fucking Matrix and someone decided they needed to spice things up for me big time so they added a whole bunch of soap opera shit to my simulation. I hate it and I want out.

        It’s doing absolutely no good to my health issues but on the other side, Carol has been very caring and attentive.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I completely understand Jack, it’s so shocking and just digs the hole you’re in even deeper. You can’t even trust she won’t throw you back in the hole with more lies if she offers her hand to help pull you out. It’s a mind fuck.

        4 years – that’s a painfully long time, yet in reality, one time was too much. It’s the lying that’s the issue now, you already know what she did. I’m not at all trying to minimize the length of time or the lying and scheming and deceiving – it’s all horrible and fucking disgusting. You’ve already decided that what she did with him was not a deal breaker, but the continual lying very well may be, and I hope she knows that.

        Liked by 1 person

  1. Jack – I am really sorry to hear that the truth turned out to be a lot worse than what she has shared. I am also sorry that Carol hasn’t yet realized that she just needs to be fully honest and stop trying to protect herself or you because it’s not gonna help anybody.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. So sorry to read this Jack. The trickle truth, lying sucks so badly. My husband maintained for a year that while they ‘made out’, there was no intercourse. And then I learned there was. It took us over a year for all the details to fully come out although deep down I knew when he was lying. I was able to confirm timelines through the cell phone records which were quite extensive and feel he has been transparent (finally).

    I know it’s hard, but try and take care of you. Hopefully Carol understands how important it is to come clean and there will be no more surprises. xoxo Dolly

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m so so sorry to hear this. I had a similar situation. For whatever reason disclosure of “one more lie” was the proverbial straw. I left 7 years ago and am the happiest I have ever been. Just before Christmas I found out about another undisclosed partner. I feel like there is no such thing as full disclosure.

    I caution you about one thing…knowing the details seems like exactly what you need to move on and feel safe. Seven years later those details haunt me. I struggle when driving by places where things happened. I cringe sometimes when my (new) husband does something different during intimacy. If I didn’t know the details, I wouldn’t have these triggers that seem to be everywhere. It doesn’t matter anymore but now, it’s knowing the details that is keeping me from being able to fully move on and feel safe. Does that make sense?

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Yes, that makes sense. A lot of it was needing to find out how much of a willing participant she was. Unfortunately, I ended up grilling her about specific sex acts because I was furious over a new discovery. It hurts more that she lied about it, no matter what her reasoning was for doing so. Even though she did do much more than she originally admitted, it still was all within an abusive relationship. And the nature of that relationship was one of the reasons why I chose to take her back, not because I only thought there were certain sex acts involved or that it started on a certain day.

      Like

    1. We’ve still made a lot of progress as a couple that has not been undone. It’s just that if we made any progress in trust, that’s been destroyed. Not that I think we made any progress in that department anyway.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Honestly, that’s what keeps me putting one foot in front of the other. There has been progress and a change in our marriage for the better.
        But I’m not sure how to keep on moving forward each time he sets me back to square one. I’m not sure how many more times I can do it.

        I hope you only move forward from here on.

        Liked by 2 people

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