Living Without Trust

What is the truth? I don’t know. There’s only lies and lies that I hope to believe. I don’t take anyone’s words at face value. I look at them and I think, “What do they really want from me?”

I don’t ask questions much. To learn more about a person, I listen and overhear. It seems more effective that way. But still, lately I’ve been getting more in the habit of casually asking questions more. I call it information gathering. I need to figure out where people stand, what they’re hiding.

I hang onto things. I make mental notes or keep objects or save files. I call it evidence gathering. I hang onto it just in case. In case of what, I don’t know.

I love social media. It gives me a history, complete with dates. People aren’t putting out an honest, complete look into their lives, but they are showing you things they don’t want you to know, if you know how to look at it. What they don’t say speaks as loudly as what they do say. Their faces in pictures change as they deal with different problems over the years. The absence or inclusion of people in photos and periods of no photos at all are telling you a story.

All of these things I rely on to tell me a more complete picture about you, because I don’t believe what you present to me as “you”. I am not trusting by nature. I’m expecting to be stabbed in the back. I’m expecting to be lied to. I’m expecting to be used.

Because of my nature, I can smell a predator coming from miles away. I had him pegged with record speed. A glance at him was all I needed but the moment he opened his mouth, I was certain, without a doubt in my mind that he was a snake in the grass, quietly slithering up to his prey.

Unfortunately, I could not convince her.

She didn’t grow up in the same environment as me. She believed that the mask on the person was the person. She believed that people generally had the best intentions. That the hurt they cause was accidental.

Welcome to my world. Here, your secrets are never safe, your weaknesses are to be exploited and every little conversation is a struggle for power, power over the other or to simply maintain your own.

In my world, the only secrets I have are things I never say and never write. The rest will be told to others, spread around as gossip. It doesn’t matter if they are best friends, therapists, or lawyers. They all talk and if you talk about you to them, they will talk about you to others.

She was the last person I “trusted”. But to be honest, trust only meant I told her more than I told others. I didn’t truly believe my secrets were safe with her and I didn’t truly believe that she would never betray me. It was just a lie I hoped to believe.

She learned what happens when you trust another. Now she suffers. Now she knows that people are out to hurt her and they cannot be trusted.

Welcome to my world.

2 thoughts on “Living Without Trust

  1. I think the truth is usually what you rationally believe, but can also be somewhere in between of common sense and her words. Personally, I’ve had to look at what makes sense rationally, and if THAT is what I believe then that is my truth if he’s not willing to come clean.

    For example – he was adamant for months and months that he didn’t take any of them out for lunch (in 7 years he only took me out once and it was because of a crisis), yet he admitted to fucking other women for years…common sense told me if he fucked them and told them he loved them, he took them out for lunch. I told him common sense will prevail so in order for me to move on, that is what I will believe.

    Also, he admitted to getting pictures but would not admit to videos (he actually seemed quite disgusted at the suggestion…hahahha). Common sense to me is that picture to video is the progression over time, so that is what I believed to be the truth in order to move on.

    And so it was. He eventually came clean about both (I have many more examples but I won’t bore you), and no he doesn’t get any kudos. What he got instead was an anxious, angry, hurt and even more hyper vigilant spouse for even longer.

    I’m in your world, it’s hard and I also wanted out for a long time and many times a day I still do. Our world is an unjust world where they got to fuck around, lie, deceive, sneak – and do it over and over and over – AND STILL KEEP US.

    But that last part is on us. We do get to decide what to do with our lives, just like they did. and if you want to stay she has to step up – if she doesn’t then you have some thinking to do.

    I do want you to know that this world gets better; this will calm down and eventually you won’t feel the way you do in this moment, but it takes a shit ton of honesty, transparency, work, love, patience and dedication from you both.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I agree with Spouse of a sex addict in quite a few things. Firstly that life does get better, you know I think that Jack. The other main thing is that you have to believe what you rationally believe. I have said in my blog and in my book that I asked rich for the truth over and over, but whatever he told me I never believed him anyway. Still don’t where some things are concerned. Where things for me did not add up then I believed the worse, and went from there. If it meant I left in the end, then it meant I left! I had to have control of my thoughts, still do!

    Someone posted the otherday that was part of trickle truth because they thought the person was afraid that their partner would leave if they knew it all, but that given time they may not when the truth came out. I think that is also true. At the beginning I was ready with one foot out of the door, and I would have left, so over the years I have learnt that to know everything about the past really doesn’t matter with regard to the future.

    This year past though I have learnt again that we should not always just see the good, we should see the bad as well, that applies to other people now. Just shows that life is a major lesson!

    Liked by 1 person

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