I Never Wanted to be Like This

There’s a lot I didn’t say about the Friday night argument. I really let her have it that night. I yelled at her, belittled her, swore at her, and even threatened to cheat on her. That last part was the worst of it, so I made sure to include it in my post. I know that writing from my perspective makes me the hero of the story, so I make it a point to include the worst of what I say and do to try to make it more objective.

These are not things that I say to people. This is not how I act, but apparently, it is now.

My behaviour wasn’t without reason. I was organizing backup files on my computer when I saw something incriminating. What the fuck is that? I asked myself. I clicked on it. It was what I thought it was, and it was time stamped May 3, 2014. If things crossed the line that far 4 years before I caught them, her story was falling apart before my eyes.

“What’s wrong? Computer being annoying?” Carol asked.

“No,” I glared at her so hard, it might’ve physically hurt her.

She came over and looked. I opened the file and showed her.

“Oh…” she said.

Off to the bedroom we went and the yelling began.

She denied that it changed her story at first but then she had to admit some sexual contact was happening that far back for a file like that to exist. Then I called bullshit again, no way did they just fool around for 4 whole years before going all the way.

She had no choice but to admit the truth as I confidently predicted her answers by examining her expressions. There were a few things she was adamant about not happening but I think I will follow up on them anyway. As you know, I don’t trust people as it is, and catching them in lies doesn’t help.

So, everyone tells me my anger is understandable and justified. My own woman, who would never tolerate this kind of behaviour before, now sits and takes it and even agrees with me. That makes it even worse when the person I’m yelling at isn’t yelling back at me. I don’t care how justified anyone thinks I am, I don’t want to be like this. I never wanted to swear at Carol, yell at her, call her stupid.

I never wanted this. I never wanted to be like this.

I want to be above this. Above lashing out in anger but I have to give myself some credit here: I don’t lash out every time I’m angry, and I’m angry a whole lot.

On Monday night, our conversation had a much different tone. A much better tone that may have even made the answers sting a little less.

7 thoughts on “I Never Wanted to be Like This

  1. I would give my eye teeth for my xp to yell at me, call me out, face me. Instead, all I get is revenging, silence, and ghosting while she falls back into Patterns.

    There is no easy path but the reality is you are on a more honest path and if you both are willing to dig deep, walk through the pain, and embrace vulnerability you will discover a deeper, truer, and more loving relationship with yourself, and possibly, with her.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Who you are right now isn’t who you will always be. This is part of healing and dealing. It may be a while yet. But, for the sake of your physical health, try really hard to not stress your body out too much with your anger, because that will only be a set-back for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I always thought I was capable of forgiving and overcoming everything with my partner. The treachery and the overwhelming dishonesty just overcame it all. I cannot be in the hands of someone who… always chooses lies before me. The love and care I believed in… didn’t really exist once the facade was shattered. So. Meh. Onwards alone. I wish good luck for you and yours in this story. I’m sorry you’re angry. But angry is a true feeling and dealing with it and letting it out is bette than pretending it doesn’t exist

    Liked by 3 people

  4. I’m reading and wondering. I know I should blog. My thoughts move up and down.
    I didn’t ask for my marriage to change. I don’t like it. It’s so unfair it makes me angry.

    I love craig and feel deep sympathy for someone who would throw away the respect and love of their family for sex. Who never considered the repercussion. Who is now devastated and reeling.

    Of course, I’m devastated and reeling too.

    We are still separated, but talking. 25 years of friendship is something. But I’m different. I can be mean, which I don’t like. I’m not sure I have the energy to make things work. I’m not sure why we even want to…except a fear of being alone.

    Thank you for putting this all out there.
    Anne

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It takes an incredible amount of energy to try to make it work after infidelity and I still don’t know if I have it in me. Every day, I make a choice to stay. I make that choice knowing that there are women out there who would be thrilled to have me, women who would never do what Carol did to me.

      I’m not here because I need her or out of fear of being alone. It won’t work if I’m here for those reasons. I’m here because of the magic between us, our own special connection that was there even through the worst of times, and at the foundation of it all is a long, unique friendship. I’m not about to give that up without a fight.

      It’s very difficult, but the change I’ve seen in Carol is incredible. Her new attitude toward me makes it a little easier to stick around. We have a long way to go, but each day that I wake up and make the decision to stay, I get a little more hopeful for our future together.

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      1. I’m trying to give things enough time and space to see what I want, and to let craig see what he wants.
        We have been together 24 years. We have gone through huge, life changing events together and I thought we were best friends. We like each other.
        He is very screwed up. The affair lasted for a month. He says he can’t understand how he went through with it, but he did.
        I am less hurt every day. I know this was not about me. It was him being selfish. The fact that the selfishness hurt me is unfortunate. That it hurt the kids might be unforgivable.
        I wish there was an easy answer.

        Liked by 1 person

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