There’s a lot I didn’t say about the Friday night argument. I really let her have it that night. I yelled at her, belittled her, swore at her, and even threatened to cheat on her. That last part was the worst of it, so I made sure to include it in my post. I know that writing from my perspective makes me the hero of the story, so I make it a point to include the worst of what I say and do to try to make it more objective.
These are not things that I say to people. This is not how I act, but apparently, it is now.
My behaviour wasn’t without reason. I was organizing backup files on my computer when I saw something incriminating. What the fuck is that? I asked myself. I clicked on it. It was what I thought it was, and it was time stamped May 3, 2014. If things crossed the line that far 4 years before I caught them, her story was falling apart before my eyes.
“What’s wrong? Computer being annoying?” Carol asked.
“No,” I glared at her so hard, it might’ve physically hurt her.
She came over and looked. I opened the file and showed her.
“Oh…” she said.
Off to the bedroom we went and the yelling began.
She denied that it changed her story at first but then she had to admit some sexual contact was happening that far back for a file like that to exist. Then I called bullshit again, no way did they just fool around for 4 whole years before going all the way.
She had no choice but to admit the truth as I confidently predicted her answers by examining her expressions. There were a few things she was adamant about not happening but I think I will follow up on them anyway. As you know, I don’t trust people as it is, and catching them in lies doesn’t help.
So, everyone tells me my anger is understandable and justified. My own woman, who would never tolerate this kind of behaviour before, now sits and takes it and even agrees with me. That makes it even worse when the person I’m yelling at isn’t yelling back at me. I don’t care how justified anyone thinks I am, I don’t want to be like this. I never wanted to swear at Carol, yell at her, call her stupid.
I never wanted this. I never wanted to be like this.
I want to be above this. Above lashing out in anger but I have to give myself some credit here: I don’t lash out every time I’m angry, and I’m angry a whole lot.
On Monday night, our conversation had a much different tone. A much better tone that may have even made the answers sting a little less.