The Final Countdown…

… to a new beginning.

Here are some updates and thoughts about where I am now. It feels like bit by bit, things are settling down in my life. For now, at least.

Health

As instructed by my cardiologist, I’ve been taking my blood pressure readings at home. Not only are the readings great, my heart rate is actually reasonable as well for the first time in years. We still need to see why my heart function is not at 100%, but with my blood pressure and heart rate looking great at home, I can rest a little easier having less to worry about.

Working With Him

Carol has three more work days where she has to be in contact with Rick on her phone. I’ve been on edge for the first few days and almost ruined a date night with my frustrations at the situation, but thus far Rick hasn’t done anything. Carol has given him and his wife orders via text. While neither Rick nor Jennifer have been around much, they at the very least obey her commands.

Date Night

After talking out my frustrations on Saturday night, Carol and I had a really good time together and on Sunday morning, we gave each other a couple of new sexual experiences, the details of which I won’t divulge, more out of embarrassment for not having experienced such things decades ago, but nonetheless, new things happened and it was amazing. We’ve been able to talk more openly about our desires and we both see that there are still new avenues to explore. It’s been very fulfilling in many ways. Carol really, really wants to have sexual intercourse now. We’ll see how that goes.

Thoughts on The Affair

I believe I have most of the details now but I suspect Carol has downplayed the when and where as it pertains to our house, previous and current, for obvious reasons: it’s more shameful to her, it hurts me more, and I may want to burn more than just our previous bed. We’ve had some furniture upgrades since the incident, so I’m pretty comfortable knowing some main furniture bits have no shady past, but there are still a few things here and there that could be tainted.

In our next marriage counselling session, I’d like to talk a bit more about the disclosure and, now that we have really explored Rick’s abuse toward Carol, talk more about her responsibility in it. Future prevention is very important. While I know she has her guard up toward men in general right now, I think she’s far from being able to tell honesty from deception in other people.

Staying With Her

The affair is on my mind every day, but I don’t think of leaving Carol every day. I’d say most days I consider divorce once or twice and have to convince myself to get to a certain milestone first and reevaluate. These thoughts most often occur in the shower, or as I’m attempting to sleep. They rarely happen around an awake Carol but when they do, I’m sure my sudden change in demeanour would be noticeable, but according to Carol, I haven’t appeared to be angry at her aside from Saturday night. I’ve been angrier at her in her presence than that night and it’s gone unnoticed.

Some days I don’t consider leaving Carol at all. On those days, usually when we’re spending a lot of time together, I truly feel like the past is the past and this is a new relationship. Speaking of which, I don’t feel like I’ve been married for 12+ years. As far as I’m concerned at the moment, I’ve been married half that time, then separated without knowledge of it. As far as I’m concerned, this August will be our first anniversary, not 13th.

How I’ve Changed

On Sunday night, I asked Carol how I have changed. She responded that I haven’t really changed, our relationship has changed.

“This is how you are when I’m not being a mega bitch to you all the time,” Carol said.

I think she might have a point. I’m behaving differently because I’m not going crazy from meeting all this resistance from her as I try to salvage our relationship. Now that she’s fighting for us, I’ve calmed down a whole lot and regained my confidence. It’s still me, I’m just experiencing different stimuli now. Still, I do feel like I’ve changed, it’s just not likely as dramatic of a change as I originally thought.

The Next Chapter

Finally, the reason why it’s the final countdown. It’s official, Carol has a new job. There is only a few weeks left for her at that awful place. It would’ve been great if she never had to meet Rick and his family, and a lot of time has been lost, but at least this chapter is officially coming to a close now. Better late than never.

Carol is very excited. It’s an office job where she will be working to eventually replace a friend of the family when she retires, putting Carol into a management position again in a few years. The pay cut is surprisingly not too bad, and the best part is that she will never have to work evenings, weekends or holidays. Those family road trips we’ve been dreaming of can happen now. We can head out on any given Friday afternoon and not have to be back until late on Sunday.

Although Carol has only known the food service industry and really liked the job she had, she is thrilled to have a change in environment and no longer has any interest in approaching the other owner of several coffee shops, whom she originally intended to talk to after handing in her resignation. It’s possible that she may want to get back into that industry in the future but right now, she is so done with it.

So am I.

4 thoughts on “The Final Countdown…

  1. That’s great news, for both of you. It’s so nice to see a potential light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. The end-all-be-all doesn’t always have to be just that. Proof that a lot of work and a desire to hold on to what you both have together, can actually be possible.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. “I don’t feel like I’ve been married for 12+ years. As far as I’m concerned at the moment, I’ve been married half that time, then separated without knowledge of it. As far as I’m concerned, this August will be our first anniversary, not 13th.” <- lol. I get this. When I found out about my husband, we were a cpl years short of our 10 year anniversary. When we hit our 10th, I told ppl it was our 1st, ppl would look at me like "wtf am I talkingabout" and my husband would pretty much just hang his head in shame. We never answered with a real straight answer to anyone, we would just make it a joke, but all jokes aside, that was real talk coming from me. like for real, how can you honestly say you have been married as long as you have (by your marriage date), if one was sleeping with someone else??.. NOPE!! Doesnt work like that – not for me anyways. So in my eyes, I deleted the years he cheated. Shitty but just the way my mind works I guess.

    Liked by 1 person

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