I know my posts about sex aren’t as popular but I’d like to talk about it and maybe even get some discussion going about it as I’m sure with many of us in marriages where infidelity occurred, there are sexual issues occurring as we try to heal.
This past month, Carol and I were having a lot of sexy time. We fooled around and got each other off many times. In the first month of this year, we’ve had more sexual contact than in a typical year in our marriage. Carol has been more enthusiastic about it all and even making requests. I’ve been physically functioning quite well during this time.
That is, until two weeks ago. Carol had finished me off and in her excitement, she asked if we could have sex soon. She meant the intercourse part. Last week, I saw my therapist and she made a comment about Carol going astray if I didn’t fulfill that need. I took issue with that comment and argued with her, but the damage was done.
Since then, I’ve attempted intercourse out of feeling pressured and now I feel like I’ve taken a big step backward. I stopped waking up hard and I haven’t had a very firm one with stimulation either. A few nights ago while having some sexy time with Carol, I got frustrated but I stopped myself before saying anything regretful to Carol out of anger. I notified her that I was angry and took a few minutes to calm down.
Carol was quite upset and wasn’t sure what I was wanting her to do. I told her that I felt pressured because of what she said. Then I told her what HT said to me. We talked about it. Carol assured me that what we have been doing is great. Before, if there was no sexual intercourse, there was no sex at all. Now, we are taking care of each other, making each other orgasm frequently. Carol is confident that the intercourse will happen in time and she didn’t mean to pressure me.
Carol said that before, she thought I was no longer attracted to her but these 6 months of fooling around has undoubtedly shown her otherwise. She knows I’m fully functional and she knows she can get me off. That’s very important to her. She also sees that I get more aroused when I can see her naked while she’s touching me. This all makes her feel good about herself and confident that I am very attracted to her still.
It was a productive conversation that finished with us talking about what else we wanted to do with each other. This weekend we’ll have a night to ourselves where we may do some shopping for some of the things our counsellors have suggested.
It’s still so very strange to talk to each other like this but it’s such an obvious thing to do. I’ve asked Carol specifics to find out precisely what she likes best when I’m performing specific acts. She’s happy to tell me. For me, I still don’t feel comfortable directing her. I need to get over this because the one time I did a little bit of suggesting, the results were amazing.
Communication. It’s so simple, yet so easy to forget. Talk to each other. It works.
Yesterday, we had some issues at home. Carol was hurt and frustrated, so she yelled. That made me irritated and I commented on it (“alright, stop yelling at me”) but I didn’t want to make things worse so I left it at that.
In our old marriage, Carol wouldn’t address it and I brought it up, she would tell me that’s the way she is, don’t make a big deal out of it, I should know that she yells. This time, Carol apologized for losing her temper.
“Yeah, well, again I’m sorry for losing my temper the other night. We both make mistakes still. We’re not perfect,” I said.
“No we’re not, and that’s okay,” Carol replied.
Disagreements and arguments have been ending with hugs, kisses, and bum grabs as they should be.
We’ve been building this new, stronger foundation of communication, respect, and conflict management. I think we’ll be okay when it comes to sex. It was just a little stumble.