Repetition

My appointment with HT (my Hypnotherapist) last night had the theme of repetition. We were going to do some hypnosis but a few things that have happened to me recently got us into a good, long discussion again. In that discussion, HT told me things that I know I already know, I’m just not there yet when it comes to truly understanding and applying what I know.

We covered a lot of the same ground and then HT asked me what we covered. Then she asked me again. She said the repetition is important to let it really sink in. She said a lot of our damage, our negative subconscious thoughts, came from repetition. Our subconscious mind doesn’t know the difference between fantasy and reality. If we grow up being told that we will amount to nothing, these repeating comments are eventually going to stick with us. It becomes embedded in our subconscious that we will fail. Our subconscious sees this as reality, even if we are succeeding.

Another example is being told by your doctors that you are sick. All you ever hear is how sick you are. Your subconscious is going to see ‘you’re sick’ as reality no matter how well you’re doing. What if, you are suffering from a chronic illness but all you ever tell yourself is, ‘I feel great!’ Imagine the difference in your life if deep down inside, your subconscious believes that you are good and healthy.

Through hypnosis, we work to change the repetitive thoughts in our subconscious. Through repetition, we put new beliefs into our heads.

In order to move on, I need to let go of the past. My Advice for the Betrayer was to provide the whole truth but I don’t think learning more little details is going to do anything but more damage. Maybe the betrayer should provide the big picture such as how long it’s been going on, with who, and how physical it got, then answer any questions truthfully, then maybe we just leave it at that. Do I need to know how many times they did it? I already know they did. I already know the betrayal and the lies, the broken vows. Do I need to know if they used a particular piece of furniture? Do I need to know what they said about me? Do I need to know if they were out and fooling around on such and such a date?

There’s got to be a point where enough is enough. I learned enough, I certainly saw enough, so maybe it’s time to say that any more details don’t matter. The whole thing was terrible, it was wrong, and I didn’t deserve it, but I’m not going to spend my days re-opening wounds thinking about what happened on Octember 39th, 2140. It was all infidelity. The whole thing was, from the moment it crossed the line to the moment I caught them, it was all under the umbrella of The Betrayal. It happened and I can’t change that but I don’t need to live it anymore.

The past is the past, stop dwelling on it.

HT told me this. I told me this. I know this. I must apply it.

If Carol is going to treat me like her king, then I will sit back and enjoy it. If she stops treating me how I deserve to be treated, then it’s time to move on.

HT told me this. I told me this. I know this. Now I must apply it.

What’s the point of being treated well if you spend your time dwelling on the past or worrying about the future? Carol’s treating me better than she did even in the best times of our old relationship, so how about I just live in these moments? I can’t make Carol’s decisions for her. If she decides to sabotage her marriage again, then I can say, “After all the work we’ve done to build a new, great marriage, there is no denying that this is 100% your damage. I deserve better, so goodbye.” If it comes to that, I will deal with it then. In the meantime, I need to stop worrying about that happening or I’m just suffering in that potential future that may not even occur.

Live in the present.

What she did was a terrible thing. I did not deserve it. But it happened and I can’t change it so I must learn to let go and move forward. To treat everything as so temporary because I feel that the future is too uncertain is no way to live either. It’s time to treat my house as my home and get comfortable and make it my own. It’s time to stop wondering if what Carol is doing is real and just accept it for what it is. I made the decision to take her back and now she’s putting in the work to be a better person. I’m being treated well right now. If that’s not the case in the future, I deal with it when it happens. I can’t do anything about what has already happened or what has not yet happened.

Live in the present. It’s the only moment I really have. Do I want to waste it being angry over the injustices that have happened to me? Do I want to waste it worrying about what could happen in the future? No, of course not.

I know this. But now, I really need to deeply understand it and apply it and live it.

No, you don’t ‘let it go’ or ‘get over it’. You let go and move forward.

This is what I got out of my conversation with HT last night. With her help, I do believe that these lessons will really sink in and I will live it.

9 thoughts on “Repetition

  1. Very well-said. As with anything that happens traumatic, the hardest part is letting go of the fear that it will repeat itself. Especially when your own inner thoughts try to tell you day after day that it will happen again. Punishing yourself with these thoights is indirectly punishing her and your marriage. She seems to be punishing herself enough, and trying very hard to make your marriage what it should have been all along. Kudos to both of you for fighting the good fight.

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  2. I applaud your fervour. I also wonder if it has ever been the slighted spouse who sued a company for harassment. As in- your wife may choose to let bygones be, but later down the road if you should choose to, I wonder if your information would be sufficient to hold a company accountable for putting your wife under duress and causing you emotional turmoil and potentially causing marital breakdown. As much as you and your family are rebuilding right now, if if doesn’t resolve, you are a very wronged individual and the company she worked for should be accountable even when it’s a smaller family owned restaurant.

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    1. I don’t think the spouse would get very far with suing the company for harassment that happened to another person. Carol doesn’t want to pursue the matter and I understand. She is humiliated by what she got herself into and making that public isn’t something she wants to go through. There is a huge company involved here too. She is going to get dragged through the mud. We also don’t have enough or convincing enough evidence. I’ve looked at all the possibilities and we wouldn’t get very far, all we’d be doing is shining a big, ugly spotlight on us.

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      1. Oh I get it, I wasn’t saying you should, I was just pondering if there had been precedent. And it wouldn’t be for harassment it would be for emotional distress

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      2. Oh, I see. Emotional distress is a tough one as well. And it would be very closely connected with the affair/sexual harassment. I’ve learned that in some states, the betrayed spouse can actually sue the affair partner. I think that’s a mighty fine idea and should be applied universally. I definitely have proof of that, at least proof enough for a civil case. Carol didn’t marry no fool and the minute I discovered the affair, I began collecting information that included her admissions in various formats.

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  3. I am happy you and therapist are finding ways to overcome your paths. I really wish you healing. As much as others claim I’m terrible and negative, I really want you to heal. I want you to be ok.

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  4. Loved it Jack, loved it all: as I have said many times about ‘the truth ‘ there comes a point when you need ro ask why do I want to know his and what good is it going to do me? What has happened has happened, the only moment that we have is now, and the future is always uncertain because it and all the things that will lead up to ‘it’ have not happened yet. Do not fear the future because the worst has already happened and you are still here today stronger from it. Beautifully written and made total sense. Keep going. Moisy

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