It’s Not the End

Carol and I have ‘graduated’ marriage counselling but it’s not the end. While our Graduation would make a nice, happy ending to a movie or book, this is real life and it keeps on going long after the credits roll.

It’s never the end. It’s an ongoing process being a couple, being in love, being a team. The relationship must be nurtured and maintained. Carol and I have the tools we need to make this a long, successful marriage but it’s up to us to continue using them, and there’s still major work to be done.

I have not forgiven her. I want to forgive her and I know I need to eventually. I can’t force it, though. It must be beyond the words. It must be felt in my body, mind and soul. I feel that with more time, personal therapy and practice at letting go of the past, I will be able to forgive her. I dream of the day I do. I think about picking out new rings and exchanging new vows and acknowledging the end of bearing this great burden. I’ve felt a little of that weight lifted off me when we completed our marriage counselling. I can’t wait to feel it more.

Carol has not forgiven herself. She is still working through her feelings and trying to fully understand how she came to make the decisions she made. She needs to continue building herself back up and separating who she truly is from her past actions. She needs to believe that she does deserve me.

The hurt, the anger, the betrayal, the trauma, it’s all still there but we continue to chip away at it so each day it feels just a little less painful.

Life is a journey. There are always going to be problems along the way but there are so many moments where you can grab a little peace and happiness amongst the chaos. And there’s more moments like that than you think there is. Sometimes it’s a bit of a battle to get to that peaceful moment and sometimes you just need to quiet your mind a little bit and you’ll find it’s already there, you just needed to pay attention.

Stop raging every time the light is red and start noticing every time the light is green and allowing you to go on uninterrupted. Notice when you’ve spent all day not dwelling on the past. Notice when you’re not troubled by a problem. Notice when you’re not too warm or too cold, when you’re not thirsty or hungry, when you’re not sore or tired.

Notice when things are just right and fully immerse yourself in that moment and know that when you’re troubled, things will be alright again. It’s just a moment away.