I gave HT a summary of my vacation with Carol, not unlike the one I provided in my most recent post. She asked me about the day after I over drank.
“I told her I was just worried that she would think less of me from seeing me not at my best, but really, I didn’t like showing vulnerability,” I said.
“If you don’t want be vulnerable, why did you even talk about it? Why not just say, ‘I got too drunk, but so what, deal with it,’?”
“It was too late for that. I said too much the night before. I don’t even know all that I said. I had to address it some way,” I replied.
Regarding the past, I thought of something that I did not write in my summary.
“A few times, when I was going back to the room on my own, I half expected to see the same scene I saw at home a year ago,” I said, thinking about one time in particular when I was shocked to see feet then legs as I approached the bed, when it was only Carol, alone and waiting for me.
“Of course. That was a traumatic experience. Today, let’s get right into hypnosis and do a trauma reversal. Does that sound good to you?” HT asked.
“Sure,” I replied. I didn’t sound enthusiastic enough.
“It’s your choice. I can suggest, but in the end, it’s your decision.”
“Yeah, no it’s fine. I’m just tired and my head hurts. I don’t think talking about it will do any good, so let’s get down to it,” I said.
During the trauma reversal, I am supposed let another ‘self’ watch the mind movie of the traumatic event, then find a happy moment from before the trauma and one from after. We then ‘scrub’ the mind film between those two events, quickly passing over the trauma, not seeing or hearing it. We do this over and over until I don’t feel an emotional response toward the traumatic event. This may not make total sense, but in hypnosis, it’s all about subconscious and imagery, I think.
I had worked on this once before and found it somewhat effective. The happy moments I used then were specific moments with Carol. This time, I had trouble thinking of any good memories. I fear I’ve been on this emotional rollercoaster for so long that I no longer know how I feel about anything anymore. It all changes too much and too quickly. But also, all memories feel corrupted by what happened. Sometimes my whole entire life before the incident feels like a lie, and my life after thus far is truth but with a wound too massive to allow for happiness.
I settled on holding my infant daughter as my happy memory from the past. Though I had no feelings of happiness when thinking of anything, I knew that, buried under my current feelings, that was a true, loving moment.
As I struggled to find my happy moment after the betrayal, HT suggested thinking about some of the sex I had with Carol on our trip.
“Was the betrayal on your mind then?” She asked.
“No…” I started, but like many other things I say now, as soon as it left my mouth, it felt like a lie. It does flash in my mind during sex, I think. My mind’s on a lot of things during sex and there’s often intrusive thoughts.
“Did you feel your love for her when you were doing it?” HT asked.
“Uh…” With the way I was feeling at the moment, I didn’t think so. Today, I’m still not sure. Maybe not, at least not during. The feelings of love tend to come after, don’t they?
I really wasn’t in the mood to have any of my happy moments involve Carol, so I decided to focus on a moment with my son. Now both of my happy moments were of my children.
We did the trauma reversal exercise but I was clearly struggling. I started saying, “Please, I don’t want to see it (the incident) anymore.” HT then took it a step further and began to actually tap her fingers on my forehead as she tried to release that memory’s hold on me. That was actually quite effective as the sensation helped me visualize shaking that memory loose from its grip on me. She also rubbed my forehead which gave me a clear visual of erasing the traumatic moment, like an eraser clearing a whiteboard with circular motions.
After we had some success with the trauma reversal, HT had me go to the safe place I had created in my mind and receive some words of wisdom from someone. The person I saw was a stranger.
The stranger said, “All that we experience in life is for the purpose of growing and gaining knowledge. Anything that happens to you in life, only happens to you in life. Nothing can do you harm. Your true self is your soul, and it is never harmed.”
I’m not entirely sure, but if I were to guess, I’d say this stranger was simply just a part of my mind, not an external guardian angel or spirit guide. Does it really matter where the words come from, it if sounds like the truth to you?
The idea that all physical life is simply to experience and learn and after that, we are whole and unharmed by the trials and traumas of life, is a fine idea as far as I’m concerned. I want to believe it.