I saw HT last week. We talked for the most part then spent a few moments at the end of the session trying some exercises to help me let go of the anger.
There is a pattern developing here. I enter the session feeling pretty empty and emotionless, then the anger comes to the front, then we work it out and I feel better for a short while. Carol seems to be happy when I come home from a session because I’m more calm and affectionate. Then, before long, I get thinking, or Carol doesn’t behave perfectly, and the darkness starts to take over again.
It’s no secret that all this anger is not good for me. It can’t be good to feel such furious anger every day for over a year. Coupled with this is the many hours of revenge fantasies, from the mild to the ultra violent. The time I spend fuming and fantasizing, though quite natural after such a betrayal, is not helpful and so I must really put in the work toward letting go.
HT asked what I wanted to do, where I wanted to be, and where I saw myself in the future. I didn’t know. I didn’t know whether I loved Carol or not or whether or not I wanted to be with her or could see a future with her. I told her I needed time for the emotional wall to come down and see what my real feelings are. She asked me to close my eyes and imagine things as they are now and imagine being single.
“Which feels better?” She asked.
I gave myself a long time to imagine the empty house, the freedom, missing the kids, spending quality time with the kids, focusing on my hobbies, and seeing Carol but as a partner in parenting only. I notice now that in this alternate reality I didn’t imagine having a girlfriend.
“Being married to her is better,” I replied.
A lot of my thoughts about leaving her a few years down the line, or not being there to take care of her when she’s old like I said I would, HT says are not so much a desire to end the marriage, but a desire to hurt Carol back. Thinking about it now, I recall reading that the time to end the marriage is when you feel at peace with your decision, not when the emotions are running high and you want to hurt your partner with your decision. That’s how we should be making any major decisions in life: with confidence and inner peace and without emotions clouding your thoughts.
HT asked if I felt used. I certainly do. If Carol was upfront that she wanted to be a scumbag’s side ho, I could’ve spent those years sowing my wild oats, as the saying goes. Instead, I played the part of devoted and faithful spouse under the false belief that my wife was doing the same.
“If Carol gave you a pass to have your own girlfriend or go out and date whoever you like for a period of time, would that be fair?” HT asked.
“Sure it would be, but that’s not what I want,” I replied. “What I want is no longer possible. What is ‘fair’ won’t do any good, it’ll just make the situation worse.”
We then spent some time talking about what makes a person like me so different from a person who cheats, that Carol may never understand just how deeply she has hurt me as I may never understand how Carol’s mental processes led to such disastrous choices. Well, Carol better be working on understanding herself or she may make the same choices again, and I won’t be there for her to cry to anymore.
HT had me imagine I was Carol so I could see my pissy moments from her perspective since I admitted that I found myself giving Carol absolutely no room to have an off day without me thinking, “fuck it, I don’t need this,” and starting to pull away from her.
“Imagine you’ve dealt with this for years and you start to believe that you deserve better, that you forgive yourself-”
“How the hell can she ever forgive herself?” I interrupted.
“Remember, you’re Carol,” HT replied.
“Fine. I’m Carol. How the hell can I ever again look myself in the mirror after doing something so disgusting?”
This set me off on a rant about Carol and Rick and their ridiculous ‘relationship’. I ranted about how terrible, pathetic and hated he is. HT kept insisting that there must have been something that Carol liked about him to make her go to him. Of course, I argued against that, though I do understand there had to be some kind of imagined attraction not at all based on reality.
“Why would she have a relationship with him for years?” HT asked.
“Why? Because she can’t just fucking work with people. She just needs to go above and beyond and fucking INSERT herself into the family she works for. She has to be a part of the family and, ‘Look at me! I’m one of you! Aren’t we just a great big, happy family together? Hey, you’re like my mom and dad! Hahaha! Look at us! Oh, look, it’s my brother! Wait? Why can’t you accept me? Why can’t I get your approval? Look at all I’m doing to make you happy! You don’t even have to work at your job, I’ll do that for you! Oh no, it’s not working! If I fuck you, will you accept me?! PLEASE ACCEPT ME!’ That’s what she’s done her whole fucking life. Just trying way too fucking hard to get approval from people that don’t matter. Then when they give her nothing in return, she comes crying to me! ‘Jack, why are they so mean? I sacrifice my health and my family so I can bitch and moan about how I do everything and they do nothing in return! Why can’t awful people who use me up and throw me away just think I’m a cool person?’ And that’s how you end up fucking a loser like him.”
“Okay then,” HT replied at the end of my rant.
I laughed awkwardly at my outburst. “So, yeah, I guess.”
“It’s okay, this is a safe place to let it all out,” HT reassured me.
“My stomach hurts now,” I said.
We finished up with the anger exercises then HT told me in order to truly get past the anger, in the next session I’d have to have a mental conversation with him and his higher self while under hypnosis. She told me he does the things he does because he suffers too and to imagine how much he suffers as he turns to drugs while he can’t seem to fend for himself without his parents bailing him out. The thing is, his suffering just brings a smile to my face and I don’t give a shit how his ‘higher self’ feels. HT asked me to try, reminding that I don’t have to do anything I don’t want, or am not ready, to do.
We’ll see how that next session goes. If facing fuckface will stop the anger from eating away at me, I guess I got to give it a try.