A Year of Blogging part 1 – Healing

It’s been a year since I started this blog. A lot has happened in my life. A lot has changed. Hell, a lot has changed in the month of June alone. No, nothing major on the outside, all is more or less the same on that front, but on the inside, I feel there has been a big shift in some ways.

I saw HT on Monday. The last time I saw her, she said we’d continue working on my anger. That didn’t end up happening because, well, I didn’t have a whole lot of anger inside me this time around. I explained that the anger is still there but it has changed, like it was a sharp blade that has since gone too dull to do any cutting. I still have anger, I still think about what Carol has done and wonder how the hell she could do such a thing, but the sharp edge that is the furious rage just isn’t there.

Maybe it’s just part of a cycle- I had burned out the rage part of myself temporarily and it will be back after it has had time to recharge. Or maybe it’s because I’ve become far more focused on my hobby of creating music. The lyrics I’ve been writing are more cynical and slightly twisted. Maybe the rage has been diverted into the lyric writing.

Come to think of it, I am becoming immersed in the world of music again and maybe everything else is fading into the background because of that. I care less about dwelling on what happened, I don’t check twitter so much, I forget to read other blogs for days at a time, and I feel less motivated to write my own blog posts. When I think of writing now, my mind tends to go to fiction. How can I take parts of what happened to me and turn them into short stories? I ask myself.

The music started picking up steam because of a snippet of ‘Facebook wisdom’ that really had an impact on me for once. I told HT all about it. It is a quote that I’ve since come to learn is attributed to G. K. Chesterton, and it goes, “Anything worth doing is worth doing badly.”

Now, there are detailed write ups on this quote that you can look at but this is what I took from it: It’s better to do something than nothing. Don’t have time for your 20 minute workout? Well, rather than not doing it at all because you can’t do it properly, squeeze in a 5 minute workout. Can’t even get that in? Fine, pump out a set of pushups at work. That way, you end up doing some kind of workout instead of doing nothing at all. You at least did something.

I applied this to my music. I’d squeeze in a minute of practice on the guitar before work, a couple minutes of songwriting while waiting for the oven timer to ding, a few moments of lyrics editing at lunchtime. Next thing I knew, I had some real momentum going again. If I was too tired or busy to workout, I’d do a set of squats or pushups anyway, just to add something to my workout log. I’ve probably already done a few hours of exercise that I wouldn’t have even bothered with before because I didn’t have ‘time’ to.

Because of this simple phrase I saw on Facebook, I’m gaining momentum in my life again. It feels good.

I told HT that things are going well with Carol, but I think that if the kids were suddenly all grown up, I’d likely leave her. This is not to say that I would leave her when our kids actually are grown up, as I’d be much further away from the trauma by then. Our marriage could be truly healed in time and when the kids are out of the nest, we could go on to live a healthy, loving post-child raising marriage. I’m just saying that in my state of healing now, if kids weren’t a factor, I’d more than likely be gone. In fact, if it weren’t for the kids, I wouldn’t have considered reconciliation in the first place because I would’ve simply cut Carol out of my life. As it happened, we have kids together, so I had to continue to see her instead of moving out of the area and starting fresh. I had to develop a new partnership with her as co-parents, and that is what eventually led to reconciling.

HT told me I can’t just stay in a marriage for the kids and what about how healthy my relationship is with Carol, especially sexually? I told her to imagine I have 5 reasons to stay and 5 reasons to leave at this point in my healing. If the kids were adults and out of the house, I’d have only 4 reasons to stay and 6 to leave. I’m not with Carol because of the kids alone, but they are one of the reasons and they are a very important reason at that. And being only a year out from when this all went down, taking away one important reason to be together would be enough to tip the scales towards leaving her.

I know that I need more time. After all, a number of the ‘reasons’ to leave, I imagine still have a lot to do with wounded pride (HT wanted me to list the pros and cons, but we continually went off topic so it didn’t happen). I believe it’s possible that I can get past this and have many great years with Carol but I need to give myself a couple years to let that happen. As it stands, I can go either way, with or without Carol. I choose to be with Carol at this time not because she’s the love of my life and I can’t live without her, it’s because I love her enough, that there’s enough good to our relationship that it’s worth giving it a real try, and a real try is giving myself more than a year to learn to forgive and/or move forward. A big good part to our relationship is that we have these two wonderful kids together and I’d much rather raise them with my wife than my ex-wife. I like that we all live together and go on adventures together.

I don’t know what my future holds regarding my relationships. I want to grow old with a partner, but I can’t see whether that will end up being Carol or not, and that’s okay. All I can do is focus on my relationship right now. I also have a feeling that if I spend my time focusing on my relationship right now and not dwelling so much on what could be, I may wake up one morning and realize, holy shit, I’m 65 years old and there’s Carol , right next to me still! The point is, I’m not going to force it and fight for it, I’m just going to live it and see where it goes.

Fighting for it is what I did before. I tried to please the unpleaseable. She couldn’t be pleased because for her to be able to cope with her actions, she had to make the marriage bad. I chased and tried to keep us together because I wanted better for our kids. I did not want to fail like my parents did. In the end, the only person I had control over was me, but I ignored me as I sacrificed myself for one who needed to be unhappy with me in the interest of self-preservation.

I don’t chase anymore. I don’t fight for the love of another anymore. It starts with taking care of number one, and that’s me. Everything else comes after.

Some other areas of discussion included what I’d say if I ever ran into Rick again. Both HT and I agreed that ignoring him is not an option. She recommended that I keep it brief, calm, and truthful, while I insisted on brief, calm, and deceptive.

I talked about flashbacks I had to when things were great between Carol and I which made me almost spoil a moment with Carol by blurting out a question to her. I am fairly certain of the answer anyway: there were at lot of long breaks in their ‘relationship’. There’s no sense in asking or dwelling on it at this point anyway. Whether I’m right or wrong, and what the finer details are don’t change a thing. Besides, I know what I know from my perspective and my perspective is all that matters to me.

Instead of finishing the session with some work on anger, I requested that we work on changing my inner voice regarding my health, and so we did. We will work on this more in the coming sessions, reversing the trauma of my tests and diagnosis, and changing the subconscious voice of “you are sick” to “you are strong and healthy”. I’m tired of feeling like I’m a sick man and truly, deeply believing that I’m doing well will go a long way to becoming the absolute best I can be.

HT believes that my health has turned for the better since I started seeing her and that with her help, I can go much further.

“Do you trust me?” HT asked.

“Yes,” I lied. No, I don’t trust her or anyone else for that matter so I am very careful about what I reveal about myself, even in therapy. Anything I say, I say with the expectation that my privacy is not guaranteed. I keep my deepest secrets to myself and that’s how it’s going to stay. I do believe that HT is genuine and capable of helping me though, so I guess if there are degrees to trust, I have an amount of it for her.

One thought on “A Year of Blogging part 1 – Healing

  1. I loved so much of this Jack. My God reading your story from the outside you have come so far in only a year: your perspective is your perspective, the kids being a big part of the things that make you stay. A year in I thought about Tom (now Ethan, because I have had to change names for my book) and his friend who lived with us, the animals, our life. It wasn’t just about Danny (another name change). Even 5 years in I would say that if I found out what we had rebuilt was based on lies I would leave. But now….now I know that there were probably lies in there but it doesn’t change what I have in the here & now. You are so right Jack, time changes everything if you let it. They don’t call it the great healer for nothing. M(now known as Josie) ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

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