Weekend Adventures, Learning to Love Again

During the week, I put in my time at my job then I come home and work towards my goal of turning one of my hobbies into a career. Then on the weekends, we find something to do as a family. It’s a good routine now. The ideal would be cutting the job out of the weekdays and doing only what I love, but I’m not there yet. I’m working on that part. Beyond this, I now have a new goal: to move out of the city into a nice, lakefront property or a house out in the country where we have a lot of space.

I got a taste of cottage living this past weekend, thanks to an old friend of mine whom I’ve mentioned briefly on this blog before: Steve. Last year, when I was single and lost after the betrayal, I reached out to anyone I knew to talk and enjoy some company. There was nothing else to do on the days when the kids weren’t home and I hated being by myself as there was nothing I enjoyed at the time to distract me from my misery and confusion, so I left the house a lot. It turned out Steve was living with Elizabeth not far from where I live.

I visited Steve frequently because his experiences led to many great conversations and insightful advice. Elizabeth was so kind and thought I was a wonderful man who deserved a good wife. One day I came to visit only to see them packing. Steve was never made for the city so when he found the opportunity to live in cottage country, he jumped at it. I was back with Carol at this point but I was still disappointed as I felt I still needed to continue to talk about life with Steve, but I understood that he needed to get away from the city for his sanity.

It has been about a year since I’ve seen Steve and this past weekend we finally made the long trip to see him and his family. It was a great time. Carol and the kids had a ton of fun. I think trips to the cottage are going to replace camping trips now. Carol loved the area so much, we both agree that our city living days are numbered, if we can make it so. Now we both share this new goal and it feels more like we’re a couple who are in it for the long haul, but things were already beginning to change in my mind before the weekend trip.

The kids have been away a few times this summer, leaving Carol and I to spend some quality together. Last week, I took the opportunity to take Carol out for our ‘anniversary’. It wasn’t the smoothest of evenings, with us being tired and cranky from being overworked at our understaffed jobs, but things cooled down after we both acknowledged that we just wanted to rest and get the week over with.

By the weekend, Carol had remarked that she liked that I was being extra snuggly lately. It was then that I realized that it’s not that I don’t have feelings anymore, it’s that I’m trying to ignore them. I was being more affectionate because I was feeling more loving towards Carol, but I just don’t want to acknowledge it mentally or verbally, because then I’ll feel vulnerable and vulnerability means getting hurt. So, I play it cool as best as I can and bury any genuine emotions I feel to the best of my ability, but things are slipping through the cracks. I avoid telling Carol that I love her and I tell myself that I don’t know what I feel towards her but next thing I know, I’m holding her tight in my arms and I see the truth I don’t want to believe: I love her and I don’t want to abandon her.

Before we made the drive to my friend’s cottage, I asked Carol what she felt about herself. She replied that she thinks she’s a good person and that she was always capable of being a good person, so her actions from before do not define her. I asked her if she forgives herself. She replied that she has a lot of shame. I told her that I’m still far away from acceptance of what she did but that I think we both will get there in time. We’ve been at this for a year already and life is looking better.

I told Carol that I wish we could’ve had the relationship we have now long ago, but it’s better late than never. Carol told me that she wants us to move, that this house isn’t our home. I agreed. Even though we have our new dream of cottage life, in the meantime, we should move into a new place in the city that has no memories attached to it. Somewhere to start fresh to go with this new relationship.

Another thing that Carol told me is that she believes that, even without the toxic people involved, her old job would’ve destroyed her. The job with those people was making her a miserable person, but even if they weren’t in the equation, it was still a job where she was on call 24/7 and missed out on so much time with her family, where so much was demanded of her, it became her whole life. It was only a matter of time before that job would’ve broken her, she now believes. Neither of us would name the people in question, we both skirted around talking about them specifically, like they are a curse. They’ve become the Voldemort of our household.

Who knows what would’ve became of Carol without the wake up call? Did I save her soul by catching her that day? Did the chain of events triggered by the Incident save a family? There’s no doubt that good can come from the terrible, but infidelity is not a chance tragedy of life. It’s hard to see good and move on when the horror was caused by choice and it has a human face. It’s definitely a long battle to get past a trauma like this.

It’s a lot of hard work and there’s a lot of time that must be put in to heal from infidelity, if it is at all possible. I’m working on it. One day at a time, I’m working on it.

As I work away, I find more of those little moments of joy. Moments, where I realize that my life is going pretty well. I feel like I’m doing exactly what I wanted to be doing: working hard on my dreams and going on frequent weekend adventures with the people I love, my family. Part of me is waiting for the next bad thing to happen. That’s life though, bad things are bound to happen. It can’t be smooth sailing all the time. But what if your boat is well built and you’ve already seen that it can weather the storms? Maybe the bad things wouldn’t seem so bad. Maybe you just hang on tight and stay upright until it inevitably passes, then you soak up every moment of peaceful calm until the clouds roll in again.

I’ll never forget that beautiful summer sunset on the lake this past weekend. I hope to return soon.

One thought on “Weekend Adventures, Learning to Love Again

  1. ..We dont say the ppls names my husband stepped out on our marriage with either. They are the forbidden lol. If they are mentioned, which is very rarely at this point, the couples name is Scuz (scuzbucket) and Crusty lol <- dont they sound like an invigorating couple lol 😛 hehe

    Liked by 2 people

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