Almost Talked

I watched a drama about difficulties in a life of marriage and children. Movies make me feel emotions a little bit. It got me vulnerable and I almost opened up. I hate that. But now, I need to write it down so I remember what I said, and unlike my last 3 posts, I’m going to hit publish this time, even though I don’t want or care to, but to show people that, yes, I’m still around.

As we lay in bed, I asked her if she liked her life. She said yes, and asked me the same. I hesitated then answered, “No.” She responded to that with the sound of hurt that she normally makes when I’m being sarcastic. I asked some questions.

“Do you like me now because I don’t show emotions or share my feelings anymore?”

“No, I don’t like you because of that,” she replied.

“But it’s better now that I don’t, right?”

“It’s not better, no. Just different. But you do show emotions.”

“Besides being silly or angry, no I don’t… I just feel like I need to or should talk about how I feel but I don’t feel like I have anyone to talk to,” I said.

“You can talk to me,” she replied.

“I just feel…,” I knew what I wanted to say but I was starting to realize how much I was letting my guard down, “… lost.”

“I don’t want you to feel lost,” she said and held me tight, “I love you.”

“I love you too,” I replied. I only ever say that in response, never first.

I stopped talking for a while. Then I steered the subject elsewhere, slowly and carefully. Then I fell asleep and dreamed of the usual dark and horrible things.

Infidelity. What a wonderful way to destroy someone without having to do anything illegal.

4 thoughts on “Almost Talked

  1. My heart breaks for you both, Jack. I completely understand what a slog betrayal trauma recovery is. It sucks beyond belief and it seemingly never ends. The rules you’ve created for yourself though (like never saying “I love you” first or being open and vulnerable with Carol) seem, from this distance as a reader, to only perpetuate your pain. Do you feel that way, or do they still seem like essential safeguards? I just wonder if it is those things, more than the underlying infidelity, that are causing you to still feel lost.

    I often think about you and Carol and I hope that you are doing well in your efforts to re-pair.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. It is one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to come back from. And I don’t think we ever fully do come back – not to who we used to be. I really do hope that in time, you find a kind of healing you so deserve. I hope you two make it, and I hope that one day you can love Carol again the way that you both deserve.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Oh that vulnerability thing, I was terrified of that. But slowly I realised that to recover, whether it was with H or not, I would have to allow myself to be vulnerable again, otherwise I would never fully be living my life. I wrote about vulnerability, of how the only way we can truly be happy is to allow ourselves to be vulnerable. One of my learnings from ‘The War’ was that although I may feel immense pain If I allowed myself to be vulnerable I would also recover, because I was strong. You are strong Jack, but as BA says putting those things in place like never saying I love you, first actually restrict you my friend. If you love her say it, and then you will realise that nothing controls you, not even your own mind. R ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

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