Out of the Black

I’ve been fighting a battle with myself. The battle to care or not care, to love or not love, to hate or not hate. I guess I was just getting worn down by it all because I was falling into these bouts of depression. I began to avoid communicating altogether. After all, it was just making me more depressed that I felt that the only way I could open up was anonymously on the internet or by paying a therapist to listen. Even with those outlets, I still refuse to open up fully, though I am revealing more bit by bit in my sessions, now that I’m not avoiding HT anymore.

Yeah, so, long story short, I hadn’t seen HT for a while and the storm inside was getting worse until I knew that, in spite of not wanting to see her, I knew it was in my best interest to do so. So, I’ve had a few sessions last month that eventually helped me clear my head a bit and crawl out of the hole I was digging.

I’ve had some moments that made me feel good inside, moments that I held onto and savoured as much as I could before they were gone. I’m thankful for the memories they have given me. May they remain with me forever. Moments and memories. Maybe that’s all there is, these little moments and making memories out of them. I’m okay with that. So often, I feel like life is just pain and suffering, and maybe that’s what it is a lot of the time, but these moments, these little loving moments, make it all worthwhile.

Okay, where do I go from here? Things are okay at home. Well, if you took infidelity out of the equation, I’d say that things are great, but as many of you know, there is no taking it out of the equation. It’s there. Always. In one form or another. Little flashes of pictures in the mind, wondering who knows what and what they are thinking, feeling like all the memories from that time are tainted, feeling paranoid, being suspicious, not trusting, not wanting to open up. It’s still very much feels like anyone, no matter how close, is a potential enemy out to destroy me, so I must behave with that in mind: don’t get too close, and always be fully prepared to go on without that person in your life.

With all that in mind, things are going good at home. She seems to want to be around and sometimes, I can accept and believe that. The power dynamic is really lopsided now but that’s the way it goes. Now that I’ve been able to reflect on our relationship in the past, it seems it wasn’t all that equal before anyway. I had let my power go by letting her treat me poorly. I didn’t put my foot down because I didn’t want to lose her. Now I have no tolerance for the behaviour of before and know that I can live without her.

I’m in a transition phase, learning to love without need. Love doesn’t have to mean clinging on desperately while they put you through hell, love can mean I want you in my life and I will share my life with you, unless you’re a complete shit. If you are, then my love for myself trumps my love for you.

I kind of see myself as in a cocoon right now, protecting myself as I change into a new person, as I figure out what I want and need and how to love again without letting myself be walked all over. The temporary solution is to be guarded and not express or allow myself to feel love and that’s okay right now but eventually I have to let myself out of cocoon and try out my new wings. My God, that’s so corny but it makes me laugh so I’m keeping it.

One thing I worked out with HT was my feeling of betrayal from my dad. I had called him when I was in shock and raging, partially so Carol could hear me telling her father-in-law what a disgusting cunt she was but mostly because I had to reach out to someone because I was drowning in madness. This was the call I made on the day of the incident. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, look up my post titled “the incident” and the following post, “the reaction”. I don’t want to dig them up right now to link them or I may be tempted to read them again and I’ve been back there far too much when living through it once is enough for a million lifetimes.

Anyway, after I called my dad, within minutes I was getting phone calls from family members. Later, I became quite disappointed that my reaching out to my dad in my worst moment was so immediately shared with the rest of the family. I felt that he, being one step removed from the situation and notoriously level headed, would’ve given me time to get my head on straight and think about whether I wanted to share such information with others before doing so himself. HT showed me that while it couldn’t have been on the level of what I experienced, it would’ve still been quite a massive shock to him as well and of course he would have to ‘share the pain’ (my words, not hers), as I had done. I get it now, but it doesn’t help my trust issues any.

Obviously I do appear to have something resembling trust in certain people. Last January, I went out to dinner with my sister and told her everything that had happened including the discovery of just how long this shit had been going on. No one else knows that part but our therapists. HT asked why I told her. I wasn’t quite sure. I did insist that she didn’t tell anyone else in the family because I didn’t want to have anything new spreading around about my life anymore. HT asked if I trust that she hasn’t and won’t tell. I don’t know. If she did, it never got back to me, but I wonder…

I don’t know if I mentioned my sister before. I don’t have a false name for her in my notes, but that doesn’t mean much because I can just refer to her as my sister. I speak to her less than my brother but that’s because she lives far away. I do feel like I have a bit of a special connection with her, maybe because she’s easier to talk to because she always seems to be legitimately listening without judgment. Maybe it’s because I had to take care of her so much when we were growing up.

I think I’ll leave it at that for now. I could share some moments from the past month or so, but I don’t want to get too wordy right now.

Happy New Year.

5 thoughts on “Out of the Black

  1. It’s great to see that you’re finally out of the dark. The scariest part about depression is hopelessness. So many people get lost to it. I love the analogy of being in a cocoon. I felt that way too. I hope this year you’ll be able to peek out of it more!
    Happy New Year

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Mellow New year Jack I love reading your posts, and I hope you don’t mind but I do recommend your blog to other men who are struggling (it’s on my blog as a blog I follow, but some men have reached out on social media). I know you write it for you, but it has so many hits I hope it helps to know that you sharing has helped others. It is good to hear that you have recognised where you were and sought help, it is a difficult and brave thing to do at times. ❤️.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks, Rosie. It’s a strange feeling that people read my story but if it does help someone, I guess it makes the fact that I put myself out there worth it. I’m certainly far less comfortable with it than I was in the beginning when all I felt was shock and pain but I’m trying to keep at it.

      Liked by 1 person

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