Uncertainty

After all I’ve been through in life, I think I’ve finally learned to embrace uncertainty. There are no guarantees. Not even marriage guarantees a future with another person, but we should’ve known that from the start, shouldn’t we have? The thing is, we don’t go through the ritual of the marriage ceremony thinking that anything else will happen other than spending the rest of our lives with that one special person. There’s a high divorce rate nowadays but we believe we’ll be one of the couples that makes it through.

I believed in marriage. I believed that if you met someone and it just clicked and you complemented each other, that maybe you were meant to be together. I believed that once you got past the 2 year honeymoon period, if you were still crazy in love with each other, that’s the way it was going to be for good.

When it seems the other person is just made for you and you are made for her, what else is there to do but promise you’ll have and hold her, sickness and health, rich or poor, forever?

A partner. Someone to share my life with and to grow with. I’m not sure when I knew that’s what I wanted. Maybe it was only because of her, that I could see it being the life for me. Whatever I thought, it became a reality for me. I had it. It was what I wanted. So I made the promise and I stuck with her through a lot of shit. Stuff happened to me that was out of my control but she had promised. Stuff happened to her that was out of her control but I promised. We both promised but I held on and stuck through and kept my promise. I weathered the storms because I saw a future with her and I knew that it was going to come to be if I just held on.

I saw old couples together, years after their children had grown up and began families of their own and I wanted that. I wanted that with her.

It still seems pretty damn appealing if you ask me, to share growing old with someone.

Uncertainty. Sure, I’m no stranger to it. After all, 10 years ago at around this time, I was no longer sure if I would live to see the year 2011. You just assume that life is going to on until you are an old man until one day, you’re given good reason to doubt that. Then, it all begins to spiral out of control.

I spent too many years believing that I was just ‘existing’ when I was supposed to have passed and the whole affair just reinforced those thoughts in the biggest way.

This wouldn’t have happened if I was already dead like I was supposed to be.

But that’s bullshit. ‘I wasn’t supposed to live’ could just as easily have been ‘I wasn’t supposed to die’. Life is uncertainty and there are no guarantees. So when I think of what was or wasn’t supposed to happen, I’m just thinking of what I fooled myself into thinking was a guarantee.

Nowadays, I don’t believe I’ve found ‘the one’, nor do I know if such a thing exists. I don’t assume I’m going to grow old with her. Sometimes I think it’s possible, sometimes I think it’s not, and often I don’t think about it at all.

One thing’s for certain: I sure do enjoy when the four of us all squeeze on the sectional and watch a movie on a Saturday night together. These little moments in life are all I want to focus on anymore.

3 thoughts on “Uncertainty

  1. That sounds like bliss. Squeezing in on a sectional. My son with his autism and his animosity towards K would never bode well on any couch. My kindergartener and teenager at odds…. not gonna happen.

    But do I wish it could? you betcha! We all have our special little moments though here and there.

    Thank you for sharing this poignant look into your life. I appreciate the candor. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Powerful and insightful! I have written recently on my website an article titled “The Art of Living In Uncertain Times” explaining that uncertainty is the condition that impels man to unfold his powers. I discuss the concept of “Black Swan” made popular by the author Nassim Taleb and that the solution is to make yourself antifragile – which I believe goes along the same line as your post – https://authorjoannereed.net/living-in-uncertain-times/. Feel Free to check it out!

    Like

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