It seems that, starting in October, I began to slip into depression. I thought it lasted for around a month but, looking at my unpublished entries, it appears to be closer to two months. Time flies, I guess. Here are some notes on what has happened over the final months of 2019.
In an unpublished blog entry, I talked about how I had no more motivation to write since I’m still hung up on the same things and no one wants to hear me complain about the same stuff over and over. I mentioned some of the biting remarks I had made to my wife lately. Then I talked about a situation where Carol’s old friend came to town and she learned through Jack’s not-so-subtle hints that she is to hang out with no man, even if she thinks he “doesn’t count because it’s only (insert name)”, as she commented in marriage counselling way back when. I’ve already dealt with a “it’s only (insert name)” before, and look how that turned out. Fool me once.
Carol got the hint and decided she had to either bring me along to meet the friend or not go at all. In the past, we’d go meet him together at a restaurant or his parents house, or, if we couldn’t get a sitter, Carol would go while I stayed at home with the kids. Well, Carol couldn’t find childcare this time around so she decided not to go at all. Then at the last moment, she came up with another option. She came to realize that since our kids are a little older and generally well behaved, they could come to the pub with us to meet the guy. So we all went.
I was happy Carol didn’t press or question why she couldn’t just go by herself to meet her old friend, even if it was “only (insert name)”. I had spent the days prior preparing myself to end the marriage if she didn’t agree to the rules or even tried to push them. After all, in marriage counselling, MC stated, “Obviously you are not to spend time with other men,” and though Carol had replied with a chuckle that her old friend doesn’t count, I did not agree to that.
Interestingly, at the pub I ran into one of the ladies from my wild night out while I was briefly single. Carol was not around at the moment I ran into the woman and had a brief exchange of pleasantries. Though I later told Carol that I ran into someone I knew, I didn’t tell her where from specifically, just that she was in the same general group of people that my brother knows.
In another post that I never published, I talked about how my daughter, Sarah, asked if I remembered when I stayed home while mommy slept at grandma and grandpa’s house. It took a moment to realize that she was talking about our separation. I asked her, “What about it?” She replied that she liked that time. I asked her why and she replied that she liked that it allowed her to have special alone time with mommy and daddy.
To Sarah, she was getting extra individual attention from two very broken people who were over-compensating for their sadness with extra smiles and hugs and good times. And so, now our separation is a good memory for Sarah. I thought that was very interesting how things are seen from other perspectives.
I told the story to Carol and she became upset, hugging me and saying that it was, “an awful, horrible time.” What do you say to someone who has brought that on themselves? All I could do was joke, “So, you don’t want to go have a sleepover at your mom’s?”
Me and my remarks.
From my perspective, I don’t view our separation as a ‘horrible time’. It was sure filled with shock and pain, but I also had gotten out of a relationship that wasn’t working. I was adjusting to a new life and though it hurt, I also knew I wasn’t crazy, that all the bad feelings I had felt were because she was screwing everything up, not me. I had gotten my power back.
Near the end of November, I had a session with HT. I remember trying hypnosis but most of what I tried to visualize was obscured by stormy, dark clouds. I told HT I fantasized about fully becoming a monster. She asked what my family, what my kids would think of that. I told her I’d do like everyone else does and hide the monster from those who don’t need to know him. The session went way over time as HT finally got me to open up and share some of the darker things about my life, thoughts, and plans under the guise of ‘what if’s’. I still kept the biggest secrets locked away though.
There are things that are only for me now.
I’ll never be a completely open book again.