Thoughts – June 2020

The following entry is simply me writing how I feel as I feel it. Working through my thoughts in writing this morning turned my mood around so I’m glad I did it.

Sometimes I feel like I’m turning into a monster, and sometimes it gets so bad that I actively look for signs to convince myself that I still have my humanity, that I still have feelings, that I still care. My anger phase was intense and very difficult to deal with, but this is different. The peaks of anger were something that I could grasp, something I could make sense of. This is different. It’s a slow burn, a quiet hatred that isn’t necessarily directed at my spouse and what she did. It’s like a gradual poisoning of my soul. When I try to visualize what I feel inside, all I can see is a growing cloud of blackness.

How did this happen, I wonder? Maybe the answer is in my own writings over the years, but I don’t feel like going back and re-reading all that again. My memories are enough. Not that I’m a fan of my memories either, but they come up whether I like it or not.

I still see that day. I still feel it coming when I’m driving home, expecting the worse, in spite of the fact that it would be impossible right now with her and the kids always home. It doesn’t matter. I come home from work early and the dread of experiencing that moment starts to creep up inside me, and unfortunately I come home from work early frequently due to the disruption caused by the lockdown.

I see that moment in my head and I feel a muted sting of what it felt like to witness complete, utter betrayal that day. That’s when I decide that it’s okay, she’s not getting away with it. Because one day, I’ll drop that bomb: I want a divorce. No, I don’t love you anymore, never did. It was all a lie, just like what you did to me.

Then I wonder why I am thinking this. Did I not give her another chance? Did I not feel love for her and willingness to try to forgive? What happened? The second discovery happened and that really turned down my enthusiasm for making it work by a lot. But still, I went on. Maybe I felt trapped by that point, thinking of how unfair it would be for the kids for mommy to suddenly be out of the house again, and so soon. Maybe I can’t cope with the humiliation of trying to make it work with someone like her without imagining that it’s all part of a great revenge plot?

But I sat her down, on the stone path, and I told her… it was a moment, wasn’t it sincere? That was long after the second discovery. I don’t feel like that now. I mostly feel nothing inside. That it’s all jokes and goofing off until I’m reminded of the reality of the situation.

I hear love songs on the radio and wonder if I will feel that way about someone. I’m supposed to be with the love of my life, am I not? How could she be so stupid? How I can I be with someone who did something so stupid and have any self-respect?

Maybe that’s what it is. Pride. A lot of people know and the only way I can save face is to leave. No, not quite. That’s a small of part of it. The bigger part is saving face with myself. So, instead of anger when I flashback to that day, I simply think, don’t worry, she won’t get away with it. I don’t need to elaborate. I just see me walking out in one of the various ways, alluding that it was all part of the plan. Then I move in from it. A coping mechanism for my pride.

Very interesting. Writing it worked it out in my head. Now it’s not so confusing and strange. Now the question is, putting my pride aside, do I want to stay with her? Well, first I got to figure out how to put my pride aside.

In case anyone’s wondering, the family (and marriage) has been doing great in quarantine. The wife and I get along as well as ever and the kids are managing well. My struggles within almost feel like a separate beast from the life I’m living. Lately, my creativity and productivity have been at an all time high, and I’ve been doing very well balancing my health, fitness, work, hobbies, and time with my family members.

Until next time,

Jack

6 thoughts on “Thoughts – June 2020

  1. Hi Jack. It is possible that the wounding of your pride is still something to be addressed between you both? It seems as though maybe you’ve worked through a lot of the other issues with your wife but this is a sticking spot? I had/ have a similar issue with my husband. I don’t feel as though he’s done much to redeem MY honor in the wake of his infidelities. It’s a sore spot. Still figuring out how to work it through.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Talking probably is the way to go but I don’t know how to start. At some point I must’ve just shut off to other people completely, including my therapist. I’m going to have to force myself to open up again, at least in therapy.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I feel this.

    For me it’s this quiet darkness that seems to live and breathe inside of me. I don’t let it out and I think it just keeps living because I’m feeding it.

    This crazy dark, numb, emptiness that is inside. But outside, I smile and move through life like normal.

    I have no advice, I just understand.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. I am so sorry to read this. I cannot imagine living with that bleakness…
    I know we all choose differently, and for different reasons.

    My life with my kids is lovely. Better than I could have ever predicted, when I separated from my ex and got divorced. And although I’m definitely wary, love songs still make me smile.

    Take care of yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh yes, letting go of our pride, the hardest thing. Where our situation was concerned I came to the understanding that I wasn’t letting go of my pride for H or us, It was about learning to control it for me, for my life. I realised that my pride could make or break me if I didn’t let it go, whether I stayed or left. That was a big part of finding myself. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Hi Jack I think by staying with your wife you are very strong. It is not easy for anyone that has been betrayed to stay. I congratulate you. But if you feel your wife doesn’t appreciate you then you must decide what you want for your life.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s