What You Did

Today, I wait to leave for home until I know you’re out of the house. You’ve done nothing new to earn this resentment. It’s just always there under the surface, ready to pop up when I see/hear/feel something that makes me rage.

Today, I rage at the sight of a Facebook friend suggestion. I thought I had that one blocked already, a long time ago. It comes up again and reminds me that because of you, I have to deal with this high school bullshit.

You have done more stupid than the stupidest person I’ve ever known.

More destructive than the most destructive person I’ve ever met.

More cruel than the cruelest of person to ever cross my path.

For the past four months, my only escape from you has been my job, and I hate my job. I hate what my life has become.

I only have two things left in this life. You tried to take away their happiness and security but I gave it back to them. No matter what I feel or don’t feel, I’ve done right by my people. That has to count for something.

So while you pat yourself on the back for not doing the stupidest, most destructive, most cruel act possible, I keep pushing on, doing right as I have always done, even though it has cost me so much.

The price for your happiness was mine.

There, you’ll be gone by the time I get home, but there will still be no peace, for wherever I go, whether you’re with me or not, you’re always there.

I badly need to talk to a friend.

4 thoughts on “What You Did

  1. I feel for you Jack. Everything you feel is reasonable and understandable and you never should have been put in this position. It’s really quite unbelievable that our partners pursued their “bliss” and destroyed us in the process. And yet they did. That isn’t lost on me, no matter how well my husband is doing. And those triggers that come out of nowhere (like the friend suggestion) are brutal. I’m sending support your way. 😔

    Liked by 2 people

  2. This is pain Jack, pure raw pain, and it so so hard. I don’t know if you have ever allowed it to pour out, gone to a quiet place and just howled, and cursed and raged until you are drained. I did, unfortunately my H was there, it was about 19 months in, during our disastrous evening out. I couldn’t hold it in any longer. But it was spent, and then I sat with it, I didn’t suppress any of it, this was how I felt. I was afraid of doing it, afraid of what it would bring, but it brought me a kind of peace. It is so hard Jack, sending strength your way. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

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