It’s Been a While

Hey, how’re you doing?

It’s been a rough couple of years for everyone. It’s been rough for me, that’s for sure. Much of it due to the situation we’re all in, some of it being things not directly related to it. I made the mistake of expressing some of my ‘blah’ feelings during a presurgery appointment which led to the postponement of a procedure that I really should have to slightly improve the quality of my life. Hopefully. I made the mistake of doing an internet search which instead of providing me with some basic info, went straight to the horror stories. I think Google is designed to fuel my anxiety.

So, I should be having a relatively minor surgery at some point this year, I don’t know for sure. I have to visit all the specialists that I’ve had delays in seeing due to the pandemic then we’ll go from there. So far, everything looks good considering my health conditions.

Exciting stuff. Moving on.

Last year, Carol suffered a gruesome injury which took nearly a year to recover from, but still, this ain’t the movies so there will never be a full recovery. I know I’m being vague but it’s hard enough for me to even go this far into details. The fact that I have a public blog is astounding as it is. It was born out of grief and confusion, a coping mechanism for when I felt I was drowning. This is hard to do now.

Anyway, I had to take care of her and kind of had a single parent vibe going on as I was solely responsible for the entire household. It sucked but somehow, in spite of my absolute dread at the thought of having extra responsibilities, when it comes down to it I find a way to manage. Carol is now back to her old routine with just a few modifications.

A few months ago my whole family got COVID. Thankfully we all handled it well. It was like a bad cold for us. Since then, we’ve been a little more bold in our weekend activities. I’m glad that the kids have been able to have a bit more fun lately.

As for me, I think the biggest thing I’ve come to realize is that I’m not a bad person. I had a long stretch where I thought I was because of my awful thoughts, but thoughts don’t make the person, actions do. I don’t hurt people, I keep my mean comments to myself, and when it comes down to it, even if I grumble about it or think it’s unfair, I do the right thing.

I also came to realize that there is no ‘one that got away’. I’ve been dwelling on this brief relationship I had many years ago that I screwed up, but really all I did was not contact her in a timely manner and when we finally talked it was just her talking over me to tell me she’s done. So, I was replaying this in my head again when I realized that it’s nothing, absolutely nothing, and considering my relationship history, there is probably a good 75% chance that it would have been just another toxic one. So, I moved on from that.

All I have left now is my tiredness, my inability to express my emotions (and inability to even feel them most of the time), and my indecisiveness. I feel old and worn down. I’m tired of working. I’m tired of people. I feel like disappearing and most of the time I feel like no one would notice. I don’t say that in ‘feeling sorry for myself’ way, I just feel like a little insignificant speck among the billions. I try to combat this by making my own little impact with my words and music, but sometimes it feels hopeless, just a little extra sprinkle of words and sounds among the billions.

I’m so disconnected from everyone. I don’t care for my family though I know I’m supposed to. I wonder if I’m autistic because of my weird behaviours and anxieties. I get ‘locked in’ to doing something repetitive until it goes a specific way before I move on. Or maybe it’s some other mental issue that causes me to be unable to connect with the people around me. I get in trouble with my parents for not talking to them for long stretches of time. I don’t feel happy or excited to see any of my family. One time I expressed all of this to Carol and I saw she was becoming disturbed so I backpedalled by saying, “I think I’m just angry at them right now.”

I have Carol’s family but I don’t. We talk, we laugh, we poke fun, it doesn’t have to be a holiday in order for us to spend time together, but still I’m on the outside. It’s not really my family. I’m just an observer, seeing a family that gets along better and more comfortably than mine ever did.

I’m just not there. I know this but I kind of don’t want to change. I kind of feel comfortable being on the outside but a small part aches to finally fit in. It’s like I want to live alone, far away in some cabin with no human contact, but I know if I ever did, it would be like a week before I would crave the company of another.

I’m just a guy who’s got nothing figured out. I’m certain I’m not the only one, not by a long shot.

I’m not sure how different this might be from my writings before. I don’t look back at my blog anymore. The feelings I expressed in these posts are probably alien to me now. I’m not sure what all happened. I’m not even entirely sure which day the incident occurred on. It’s not an anniversary I need to remember anyway. I think it’s okay to let all that just fade into the background now. No, I certainly haven’t moved past it. I still think about it. I still get angry. It’s just not so intense. Like a photo exposed to the elements, it’s become washed out and faded. That’s okay.

I think I should spend time with one of the few friends I have left and see if I know what it feels like to care about someone or something beyond my own household.

There. I wrote. I’m surprised I was able to get a flow going and get some of these thoughts and feelings out. I’ve been telling myself for months now that I should type something out but it has been so hard to get started.

Take care,

Jack

5 thoughts on “It’s Been a While

  1. I’m glad you did write. I don’t think you have autism. I think you have just severely blocked yourself – or rather blocked others – from reaching you. I’d say that’s a pretty normal defense mechanism. There really is only so much one person can handle before they shut off their humanity.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I can relate to the disconnected feelings. I see it as a trauma response in myself. (I’m not saying it’s the same for you. Just how I experience it.) I hope to be “connected” again, but I know it will take time. Years. ☹️

    Liked by 2 people

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s