What You Did

Today, I wait to leave for home until I know you’re out of the house. You’ve done nothing new to earn this resentment. It’s just always there under the surface, ready to pop up when I see/hear/feel something that makes me rage. Today, I rage at the sight of a Facebook friend suggestion. I thought …

Thoughts – June 2020

The following entry is simply me writing how I feel as I feel it. Working through my thoughts in writing this morning turned my mood around so I’m glad I did it. Sometimes I feel like I’m turning into a monster, and sometimes it gets so bad that I actively look for signs to convince …

The Interview

It’s been a rough year so far, that’s for sure. I’ve been sick, injured, sick, then injured again. I’ve barely had a week or two to enjoy in good health. When asked how I’m doing, I usually steer the conversation to my joy of playing music which is so fulfilling in my life at this …

What’s Been Going On? December

Feeling even worse, I wrote an entry about the darkness inside but again, I left it in my drafts, then I published an entry about how I almost opened up to my wife. At some point after the dark clouds started to clear, seemingly on their own, but I made sure to book another appointment …

What’s Been Going On? October – November

It seems that, starting in October, I began to slip into depression. I thought it lasted for around a month but, looking at my unpublished entries, it appears to be closer to two months. Time flies, I guess. Here are some notes on what has happened over the final months of 2019. OctoberIn an unpublished …

Uncertainty

After all I've been through in life, I think I've finally learned to embrace uncertainty. There are no guarantees. Not even marriage guarantees a future with another person, but we should've known that from the start, shouldn't we have? The thing is, we don't go through the ritual of the marriage ceremony thinking that anything …

Out of the Black

I've been fighting a battle with myself. The battle to care or not care, to love or not love, to hate or not hate. I guess I was just getting worn down by it all because I was falling into these bouts of depression. I began to avoid communicating altogether. After all, it was just …

Almost Talked

I watched a drama about difficulties in a life of marriage and children. Movies make me feel emotions a little bit. It got me vulnerable and I almost opened up. I hate that. But now, I need to write it down so I remember what I said, and unlike my last 3 posts, I'm going …

Reflecting on an Undocumented Session

The last time I saw HT in therapy, I didn't provide the full details of the session in a blog post. We mostly discussed my health but at the end of the session, there was an exchange about Carol that I've been thinking about: "She had to do something so terrible to realize that what …

Worlds Collide

On an evening this past week, I brought the kids to out to watch Carol participate in her rec league sport. I don't do this very often, only if she has an early game. She plays on a team with Doreen. Their mother, my mother-in-law, plays on another team. They happened to be playing against …